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Sorry this took so long to do today. Kaitlyn has been practicing her squealing and screeching all morning. Plus, errands, and stuff. But here I go:

This week’s theme was Classic Love Songs. You would think that love songs would be easy to sing, right? Actually, no. This was the week that really separated the good singers from the just-okay singers.

This week’s coaches were Andrea Bocelli and David Foster. Now Bocelli seems like a nice enough guy, but the only reason he’s on is that he has just put out an album of, you guessed it, Classic Love Songs. Also, English is not his first language, and so the clips showing him meeting the contestants also show him saying almost nothing.

David Foster (who produced Bocelli’s Love Songs CD) is a 14-time Grammy Award winner who has, according to his website davidfoster.com, worked with just about anybody who’s anybody.

As a side note, if you click on that link, you’ll hear music by someone called Renee Olstead. She has a beautiful singing voice in an Alicia Keys kind of way. On the bottom left is a little window with an audio player, click to find it. Ooh, now it’s “Sway” by Michael Buble. Cool.

OKAY. On to the performances:

Katherine went first, singing Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing“, from Whitney’s pre-crack ho days. She looked beautiful as usual (Katherine, not Whitney), and sang the whole song like she was belting it out to the cheap seats. And got BLASTED by all three judges for taking on a song that was “too big for her voice”(Randy), “pushed her voice too much” (Paula), and “insinuated that she was just like Whitney, which she is not” (Simon). OUCH!

Elliott went next, singing “A Song For You” by Donny Hathaway. I thought he was fantastic. Really. He had good pitch and breath control, and put just enough of his own style into it without overdoing it. Randy said he didn’t like the arrangement, but thought Elliott was “the bomb”. Then there was Paula. Weepy, drunk or possibly zonked out on painkillers Paula, with big fat tears streaming down her face. It’s so sad there’s no point in even making fun of her anymore. She went on for too long about how he had “moved her” and that he was the American Idol. Thanks, Paula. Simon was uncharacteristically positive, saying that Elliott’s singing was “like a vocal master class” and was “superb”. Wow, who would have thunk it?

And then there was Pickler. She sat down with Seacrest for the little chat and explained that she was singing “Unchained Melody” from the movie “Ghost”. Ryan asked her if she was dedicating it to anyone special and she actually said “you know that scene in Ghost with the pottery? Ain’t it sweet? I don’t have anyone to play pottery with.” Oh, and when she sang for Bocelli and Foster, Foster asked Bocelli, who is blind, if he could guess what color Kellie’s hair was. “Blonde”, he said. Making fun of her is just too easy. Foster also had her practice hitting the highest note in the song, and despite suggesting that she stay on the note longer, she couldn’t do it in her performance. Here’s a quote from americanidol.com/recaps:

“Randy felt that it wasn’t the right song and that the only good thing about it was the fact that she wasn’t out of tune singing the high note. Paula said that she adores her but that she doesn’t really see her raising the bar each week. Simon said that her performance warranted tears, but for a different reason. He said that there was no heart or warmth to the performance and that she was like a robot.”

Paris sang next, she chose Barbara Streisand’s “The Way We Were“. It might not have been the best idea for her to remind voters just how young she is by admitting that she hasn’t been in love yet. Her singing was sweet, as usual, but nothing spectacular. Randy said she was good but “didn’t blow him away”, Paula said it was the best female vocal of the evening, and Simon made the confusing observation that it sounded like she was “impersonating an older singer”. Um, Simon, Barbra Streisand IS older than Paris. So that’s exactly what she was doing.

Taylor sang James Ingram’s “Just Once“. In the rehearsal, Bocelli called Taylor’s voice “interesting’. Which is a polite way of saying not that good, I think. I can see why Taylor would pick that song, James Ingram has that scratchy kind of voice that Taylor has, but it just didn’t sound right. I don’t know what it was. Randy called it “weird karaoke”. Paula said something to the effect that even though it seemed like Taylor was made to sing Ingram’s songs, it wasn’t the right song choice. Simon compared it to a performance by a lounge singer. And then Paula, in some sort of hyped-up fit, jumped up, pointed at Taylor and screamed “but we LOVE YOU! We LOVE YOU!”. Um, okay.

Last to sing was my man Chris, singing Bryan Adam’s “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?”. In the rehearsal, David Foster told him he was singing too much from his throat, and suggested he try an exercise that Bocelli himself uses. He had Chris lay down on the floor and sing the song. You might already know that laying down automatically forces you to breathe from your diaphragm. It completely changed the way Chris sang the song. And he was all smoldering looks and bedroom eyes and…where was I? Sorry. Oh, and he was wearing this long pinstriped coat, which Randy thought was hot along with his performance. Paula once again jumped up with the finger-pointing and the yelling of “LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU”. Yeah. Simon, once again surprisingly positive, called it a “very very good song choice” and a “great performance”.

Fast forward to Wednesday, with Ryan Seacrest dividing the six into three groups of two. Katherine and Chris got the highest votes (damn right!), Elliott and Taylor were safe, and Paris and Pickler were the bottom two. I thought it was funny that Ryan called her “Pickler”. And then, the heavens opened up, and a ray of sunlight beamed down, and the gods smiled, and PICKLER GOT SENT HOME. AND ELIZABETH DID REJOICE, YEA VERILY.

I’ve left this same comment on a few blogs already, so I apologize if you’ve read this already, but my first thought was David Spade and Helen Hunt on Saturday Night Live, as the Flight Attendants who just want the passengers to get the hell off the plane.

PICKLER, buh-bye. Buh-bye, now. Buh-BYE. Hope that guest spot on the O.C. works out for you. If Lisa Tucker can get one, you’re a shoo-in.

Next week, two songs each. One from the year they were born and one from the week’s Top Ten Billboard Chart. See you then.

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OK, if you’re reading this blog and you live in a Western time zone and haven’t seen American Idol yet, or you TiVOed it and haven’t watched yet, look away from the screen now.

OK, it’s just us now? Good. Because I have one thing to say…

PICKLER! Buh-bye! Buh-bye, now. Buh-BYE!

I must have done a really good deed to deserve this kind of karma. Thank you, powers-that-be. Thanks for finally listening.

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Well, I was only one-third right on my final three prediction. What a shock that was! And what a sucky thing to do to Taylor, asking him to join the group that he thought was safe. So he walks over to Chris, Ace, and Paris, and he was wrong.

The theme this week was “standards recorded by Rod Stewart and a bunch of other people too” or something. Here’s how it went:

Chris sang “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. He sounded amazing. The judges have been after him for weeks to show he can sing a different style of music, and he proved he can croon with the best of them. If he doesn’t win, he damn well better get a record deal anyway. Why he ended up in the bottom three is a great mystery to me. Listen up America, do NOT vote off my new American Idol boyfriend Chris Daughtry. If you purposely didn’t vote for him to increase Pickler’s chances, cut that crap out.

Paris sang “These Foolish Things” by Billie Holliday. As wrong as her dress was last week, this week’s Nancy Reagan red power suit was no better. But as usual, she sounded fantastic. How someone who talks like she just sucked the helium out of a kid’s party balloon can sing like an old soul like that is beyond me.

Taylor sang “You Send Me” by Sam Cooke. Dammit, he sounded really good. This was like the absolutely perfect song for his voice, and it’s a good style for him vocally. But he still did that weird crouching over-arm jerking thing, which he should stop doing now. I’d rather have him just stand there like a statue.

Elliott sang “It Had Be You” by, well, everybody. He was okay. But surprisingly, not in the bottom three this week like he was the last two weeks. Suddenly he’s getting the votes?

Kellie sang “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” by Ella Fitzgerald. America, I’m only gonna say this one more time. Stop voting for Kellie Pickler. Just stop. Being cute and blonde does not automatically mean she’s the next American Idol. We already have one of those, her name is Carrie Underwood, and she’s not exactly an enormous star now. So please. Kellie started out okay, but the song was too much for her and it ended with her barely hanging on. And she said, right on stage, that she butchered it, and she still got the votes. What do I have to do, America?

Ace sang “That’s All” by Nat King Cole. The wardrobe department must have suggested he try a Rat Pack-type look, but it was wrong. He looked like a creepy guy who would hang around outside a playground ogling the children. If you didn’t see it, he wore this really tight-fitting suit and his hair was greased back into what looked like a ballerina bun but was actually a ponytail. As for his singing, it was okay, but he wavered on the pitch a little. And then, he got voted off. How do I feel about that, since I’ve been backing him since the beginning? Unfortunately, I think he showed he doesn’t have the vocal strength of Chris or Katherine.

Katherine sang “Someone to Watch Over Me”. Dammit again, she was so, so good. And she sings to the camera so well. I guess if Chris can’t win, I would be okay with Katherine winning. I just always think about what happens after they win, the recording of the CD and the appearances and the touring. Can I see Katherine doing that? No, I can see her guest-starring on Veronica Mars. But if it has to be a female winner, it should be Katherine.

Next week, classic love songs and coaching by Andrea Bocelli. It shouldn’t be hard for the remaining six to find a good love song to sing, so it should be another tight competition.

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