This morning Nathan asked me why the Easter Bunny didn’t come and I said how do you think the eggs got in the backyard? He said you and Dad put them there.

So I asked him who he thought the Easter Bunny was and he said A man in a bunny costume. I said you think a man in a bunny costume should have come to our yard and left the eggs? He said, Yeah. Man, I hate to have to burst his bubble.

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You know what someone needs to invent? Something like the hose attachment on a vacuum, except for a mopping system. Something I could use to spray the area between my kitchen counter and the refrigerator, that narrow space where gook and dust accumulate. Spray, scrub, mop up, in a narrow wand-like thing. It would also be good for the narrow space between my bathroom counter and the wall, and for behind the toilet. Quick, someone call “American Inventor”.

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Last night, Chris read to me the news that Tom and Katie had their baby. If one more news source calls that baby “Tomkitten”, I’m going on a spree of violence. Anyway, they named her “Suri”, as in “Surrey-with-the-fringe-on-the-top”. Apparently in Hebrew it means “princess”, and in Persian it means “red rose”. Pretty, but I have another theory. I think Suri was the wife of Xenu, Scientology’s Galactic Overlord. Did you know that Tom’s other children spend every day after school at the Scientology Center where they can interact with other Scientology kids?
I still think there was something hinky about the whole thing, perfect timing what with MI3 coming out so soon. How sad that a baby is a publicity gimmick.

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Listening to the soundtrack from “Rent”. It’s like having the show performed for you right in your living room. I never saw the show on Broadway, just the movie, and I think I was too busy staring at the gorgeousness that is Jesse Martin to realize that there is almost no speaking in it, just singing. “La Vie Boheme” is a rockin’ song.
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Like Tammie, I feel uneasy today. I’ve started thanking people in their comments for the comments they left me yesterday. If I haven’t left you one yet, I’ll get to you soon, I promise. I’m also trying to organize the boxes of clothes in the basement so I can find us all something to wear now that the weather is warmer. Of course I found a whole box of stuff Nathan could have been wearing this past fall and winter if I had bothered to unpack the box. Kaitlyn won’t nap, the kitchen is a mess, so is the living room for that matter, and there’s still homework to help with and dinner to cook. There’s not enough Calgon in the world to make me feel like I could be taken away.

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My prediction for tonights AI bottom three? Ace, Elliott and Kellie. Tune in tomorrow for my complete recap and the results!

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Yesterday, I read a blog post that may have just changed the course of my life. And while that sounds dramatic and exaggerated, it possibly isn’t. Something that happened to someone I’ve never even met may have been the catalyst for the change I’ve been trying to make for a long, long time.

Before you read further, please click this link to Dawn’s site and read her post from yesterday titled “truth”. I don’t usually suggest that people good enough to come here on purpose go somewhere else, but her post is somewhat responsible for this one, so it’s pertinent to understanding what I have to say. Go, read it if you didn’t already, and then please come back.

I had a sharp, visceral reaction to Dawn’s post. While I read it I unconsciously nodded my head, and while I tried to remember that the post was about Dawn and something that had been told to her, I couldn’t help but wish it was about me. I was jealous of Dawn’s enlightenment.

For some time now, I’ve been wishing for an epiphany. I’ve been hoping that the skies would open up and down would come a giant hand, like in a Monty Python sketch, and poke me square between the shoulder blades with a giant index finger. I had tried looking elsewhere, within, without, around. I had searched in books, magazines, websites, videos, meetings and classes. I had opened myself up to new possibilities, considered changes both gentle and radical, pondered options for quick results and ones that could last a lifetime.

There was just one problem. All the opening, considering and pondering had been just that. There was no actual change. There was some talking the talk, but no walking the walk. There was denial, bargaining, promises and attempts. There were failures and disappointments.

What I really have needed all this time, is for someone to look me in the eye and tell me the truth. People around me who thought it was better not to speak up were not doing me a favor. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anyone else. It was not the responsibility of anyone else to do this for me. It just would have been nice. Painful, gut-wrenching yes, but necessary. Which brings me to Dawn’s post about the truth and how it helped. This sentence, in particular:

“Recently, I consciously turned away from that. Whether driven by fear, or cowardice or something else I can’t yet name, I shut my eyes to the truth. I made up stories that suited me better. I indulged myself. I knew better, and did it anyway.”

Except in my case it’s not ‘recently’, it’s more like ‘for the last twelve years’. While I thought I was open to change and considering possibilities, I was actually closed up tight with my eyes squeezed shut. I spent unknown hours wasting time fooling myself into thinking that I was “finally doing something about it”, that I had “finally found the answer, the solution, the plan”.

Have you ever heard about someone that they got in their own way? That is exactly what I did. Every time I did make even a teeny tiny bit of progress, every time someone acknowledged or praised me for my successes, I bolted. I threw up a tall, thick brick wall and ran like hell. Why? I’ve thought a lot about that.

While I absolutely acknowledge that the only person ultimately responsible for me is me, I have to think that my upbringing did have something to do with why I can’t allow myself any success. I was raised by parents who literally believed that children should be seen and not heard. The only time my parents ever directly asked me a question was if they needed me to do something for them. Even at the dinner table the conversation was between them, while my brother and sister and I sat silent and ate our food. There was no question that we would do well in school and in our extracurricular activities, so we didn’t expect any praise for good grades, lettering in sports and music, getting in to good colleges. There was no kissing, almost no hugging ( my Mom was good at the one-arm side hug in a public setting), no “I Love You”. That’s just how it was.

I didn’t say all that to gain sympathy or make excuses for my situation. I haven’t lived with my parents for almost twenty years, and I have made myself into the adult I am now. But still, when a stranger says “good job”, or “congratulations”, I bolt. Every time. The blog is different, because the praise comes in written form, with no expectation behind it. I have the safety of cyberspace between myself and whomever is saying “great blog” or “funny post”. Someone standing right in front of me is a whole different story.

And yet out from the swirling ether of cyberspace came Dawn’s post about truth, and it was a little like that giant poke between the shoulder blades. Because this morning, while downloading the Easter pictures from my camera and combining them with the pictures Chris took at a Saturday Easter Egg hunt, I found this:

That, my friends, is what I needed someone to tell me. I am so embarassed, ashamed, disgusted that I went to my husband’s new boss’ house and met all of his new coworkers looking like that. I’m not even going to pretend that my husband and friends didn’t notice. The fact that my husband loves me, desires me and sometimes can’t keep his hands off me even when I’m trying to do the damn dishes is great and all, but he should have told me. I should have been looking more closely in the mirror, I should have known that jeans this size do not mean that my ass is anything but gigantic.

This picture is my truth. This picture lets me know that nothing I’ve done or failed to do in the past matters at all, that what matters is that now I know, now I’ve got something tangible and real to work with. It doesn’t matter what I do, what matters is that I do something.

I needed to write this post, even though I know it won’t interest most people, but that’s okay. I know from sitemeter that people come here, but not very many stay very long. But that’s okay, because this post wasn’t written for anyone else. It was written for me. It was written for that silent girl who wasn’t allowed to speak up or celebrate her successes. It was written for the adult woman who is afraid, very very scared to even try. It was written for the mother who doesn’t want her children to remember a Mom who couldn’t keep up. For the mother of a daughter who doesn’t want that daughter to have to see her struggle with weight and food issues.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I know I need some time to process all of this. To look at that picture and decide what to do next. And to thank my husband for taking that picture, for showing me the light and the truth.

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My big task for this morning was to re-stock our pantry and freezer. A big chunk of Chris’ paycheck last week went to catching up on bills (thanks again for three fabulous months of killer gas bills, Consumers Energy), so I needed to keep the cost down. Fortunately for me, there is an Aldi grocery store nearby. I know Aldi is in every state, so if there’s one by you but you’ve never gone, you should really check it out. Take a quarter to get a shopping cart and a bunch of plastic grocery bags. They have name brands, store brands, and since the store started in Germany, European chocolate. It’s worth checking out.

As an example, here’s what I bought this morning. The receipt is too crumpled up to scan, so I’ll just make a list of the items and the total cost.

BREAKFAST FOOD
1 box Triple Berry Toasted Oats
1 box Peanut Butter Kid’s Krunch
Special K Strawberry Cereal Bars
Froot Loops Cereal & Milk Bars
30 French Toast Sticks
5 Canadian Bacon, Egg, & Cheese English Muffin Sandwiches
30 Precooked Bacon Slices
10 Brown & Serve Sausage links
12 oz. Ground Coffee
5 bananas

LUNCH FOOD
2 Turkey & Cheddar Lunchables
3/4 lb. Smoked Ham lunch meat
8 “Moo Tubes” portable yogurts
8 oz. frozen Shrimp Fettuccini Alfredo
8.5 oz. frozen Chicken Marsala with Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Individual Five Cheese Pizza with Roma Tomatoes and Garlic Pesto
2 Maryland Crab Cakes
2 “Fit & Active” ** yogurts in Strawberry Cheesecake and Cherries Jubilee
32 oz. Grape jelly
Dry Fettuccini & Spinach Pasta with Parmesan and Romano cheese sauce

DINNER FOOD
26 oz. jar Three Cheese Spaghetti Sauce
1 lb. Maniche Rigate dried pasta
32 Italian Style Meatballs
2 lbs. Ground Sirloin
Stroganoff Skillet Dinner mix
Soft Taco Dinner kit
1 can Refried Beans
6 1/3 lb. Black Angus Beef Patties
2 lbs. Breaded Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Filets
1 lb. frozen Redskin potato wedges with olive oil, parmesan and roasted garlic
1 lb. frozen peas
48 oz. Vegetable oil
10 oz. bottle Steak Sauce
36 oz. ketchup

SNACK FOOD
12 Mozzarella/Cheddar string cheese
6 “Fit & Active” Ice Cream Sandwiches (just like “Skinny Cows”
12 No Sugar Added Fudge Bars
1 bag “F&A” Cheddar Cheese Rice Cakes
1 large box Animal Crackers
Reduced Fat Pringles
1 qt. bottle Strawberry Kiwi “beverage”-like Crystal Light

OTHER
36 Tall Kitchen trash bags
200 bendy straws
1 squeaky bone-shaped chew toy for dog
16-color watercolor paint set
2 foam kids’ placemats-1 “Incredibles” and 1 “Finding Nemo”
3 large Aldi heavy plastic shopping bags
(Aldi encourages shoppers to unpack the food cartons and use them to take their food home)

GRAND TOTAL FOR EVERYTHING
$95.54

That’s the most I’ve ever spent there, we were out of most everything because I bought less than usual last week so there would be room in the fridge for the Easter dinner stuff. And with tonight’s dinner being leftover Easter ham and fixings, this should last me at least until the weekend. So there you go. Check out Aldi, save some money.

P.S. I hope everybody had a good Easter! I had a moment of panic when I thought I’d lost my camera (it was under a pile of crap of course), and Nathan broke a Peter Rabbit snowglobe that was my Mom’s, but dinner was delicious and my Dad and Grandma seemed to enjoy themselves. Plus my Dad brought a WHOLE CHEESECAKE, of which we ate 4 thin slices, and the rest is in my freezer. Hey, at least frozen cheesecake takes longer to eat while watching TV, right?

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Way back in the summer of 2000, I was a regular on a iVillage message board which discussed various diet plans and their merits. One of the plans we discussed was Marilu Henner’s Total Health Makeover, a book she released in 1999. We found the plan itself to be impossibly strict-no dairy, no sugar, and all foods properly combined (fruit alone, no carbs mixed with protein). We often discussed Marilu herself, how we loved her in “Taxi”, “L.A. Story”, “Johnny Dangerously”, and all her other film and TV appearances. It was soon revealed that there were Marilu Henner fan clubs all over the country, including one in Detroit.

One day there was an excited posting from a Detroit fan club member announcing that Marilu had replaced Bernadette Peters in “Annie Get Your Gun”and would be appearing at the Detroit Fisher Theater. Marilu was willing to have dinner with us before the show at the Theater’s restaurant. I’d never seen “Annie Get Your Gun”, but I like musicals, and it was a chance to meet a real movie star, so I signed up to go.

So on September 26, 2000, I kissed my husband and boys goodbye and headed off to Detroit. I valet-parked at the Fisher and headed inside. It was fun to meet in person the ladies I had been chatting with on the message board, and we mingled and talked while waiting for Marilu, who was staying in the hotel right across the street. When she arrived, she surprised us by bringing her two adorable boys Joey and Nicky as well. Her hair was pulled back in a scarf since she wore a wig in the show.

She was very relaxed, comfortable with us even though we were strangers. She surprised us again by informing us that not only did she work closely with the moderator of Marilu.com, but that she knew about our iVillage message board and wanted to know each of our screen names. She actually had a few kind words for each of us as we introduced ourselves to her.

After a delicious meal, Marilu left to take her boys back to the hotel to stay with a friend that traveled with them, and we went to the Theater to take our seats. It was packed. Everyone had bought their seats separately so we didn’t sit together. If you’re not familiar with “Annie Get Your Gun”, here’s an excellent review that mentions Marilu specifically, and her costar, Rex Smith.

Don’t know who he is? In 1979 he starred in a movie called “Sooner or Later”, which led to countless photos in Teen Beat, two years as the host of “Solid Gold”, and a hit single you might remember called “You Take My Breath Away”. Also, for CBS soap fans, he was Darryl Crawford, who had a fling with Barbara Ryan in Italy, got her pregnant with Jennifer, then came to Oakdale and took up with Barbara’s sister Frannie.

Marilu had asked us to stay in the Theater after the show ended so we could talk further. Her next surprise? She brought out her handsome costar to say hello.

We sat comfortably in the front rows of the Theater and chatted with Marilu. I asked her about working with Michael Keaton in “Johnny Dangerously” and Steve Martin in “LA Story”. Then she asked us if we wanted to get a drink with her. Well, yeah. On our way to the Fisher Building’s bar, we stopped for a group photo. I’m the one in the front row, second from the right.

When we got to the bar we found a big table in the back, ordered drinks, and sat down to talk more. I tell you, it never occurred to me that a famous TV/Movie star and author would want to spend so much time with women she didn’t even know. Someone asked her how often she went out after her shows and she said almost never, and it was fun for her to relax and socialize.

Instead of booking a hotel room, I had made arrangements to stay at my Grandma’s house in a city not too far from Detroit. I left reluctantly, wanting to keep the evening going. I’ve never forgotten that night, whenever I see Marilu on TV I remember how kind, friendly and fun she was to spend an evening with. She’s a class act.

So that’s my story about meeting Marilu Henner. The only other famous people I know are an old friend of Chris’ from high school who now works as a Grip on the TV series “Without A Trace”, and my Dad’s girlfriend’s son, who has worked as an extra in Hollywood for years and is now a stuntman. He did stunts for both “You Got Served”, and “Jarhead”. What about everybody else? Anybody else have brush with fame stories?

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I got tagged to do this meme by Fraulein N, who got tagged by Sarcomical, who got tagged by Amy from amalah.com. Shoot, those are some damn fine bloggers right there. How could I refuse?

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