If there is one thing that is obvious about me to anyone who knows me at all, it is that I am not a spontaneous person. I am a planner. I like to know what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next week. Not to the extent that I plan out every day in minute detail, but for the most part I want to have an idea of what is coming.
Therefore, when life throws me a curve, like it did with the death of my MIL, it wreaks all kinds of havoc in my life. Obviously, except in rare cases, no one ever knows ahead of time that someone is going to die. And I am NOT whining about all the things that need to be done, all the dozens of phone calls that need to be made and people that need to be contacted. That is what I do when someone is sick or in need, I sweat the details.
What I don’t like is the amount of pressure I put on myself and the resulting stress. All week I have been grouchy, irritated, snapping at the kids and my husband and even the dog, for no good reason except that I feel out of sorts. Yesterday, for example, there was a skunk walking down the street in front of my house, and like an idiot I said to the boys “oh look, a skunkâ€, and opened the front door for them to see. What do you think happened?
The dog practically knocked me on my ass running out the front door, ran like his tail was on fire down the street, and then, you guessed it, got sprayed right in the face. I’m sure my neighbors really appreciated me screaming “ELVIS! NO! NO! STOP!†at 9:00 in the morning. I knew exactly what was going to happen and was powerless to stop it. So now, my dog smells like skunk and Nature’s Miracle Skunk Odor Remover Shampoo, which is a ghastly smell indeed.
I went out all by myself for a while tonight, and decided I needed a Frappuccino, even if it means going to BlogHer weighing 172 pounds and not 142 like I wanted. The only Starbucks in town is located inside a Barnes and Noble, so it’s like a Crack Den with extra Crack. I spent way too much time there. I always feel like somewhere on the shelves is THE book, the one with all the answers to all the problems in my life-the perfect housekeeping system, the perfect diet or exercise plan, the perfect…something. Instead of the perfect book, I found twenty dollars in my wallet that I was planning to spend on a bath for the dog at PetSmart, only the nice ladies at the grooming salon sprayed him with de-skunkifier for free (thanks, ladies, you rock!). So, I spent that twenty, on Frappuccino AND a chocolate chunk brownie, full of fat, sugar and carbs, plus Vanity Fair with Sandra Bullock on the cover (I want her hair, NOW), and a book of Logic puzzles for weekend escape/diversion.
Thus, there was light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to try to remember to breathe at least a little deeply, and to not let this change in my routine be such a big crisis. I know everything will get done, and life will eventually go on as planned. You know what would really help? Comments. Please, delurk and tell me your suggestions for not going completely batshit crazy. And please tell me it’s okay to go to BlogHer exactly as I am.
Because I can’t just leave this one alone
If you read my “When life gives you lemons” post, you’ll find a comment from MissA in which she suggests that it is wrong of me to feel what I feel and that I didn’t care about my mother in law. I tried to send MissA an email discussing it with her, but surprise surprise-the I.P. address is spoofed and the email is fake. Something about knowing that I was writing to a stranger brought out some deep feelings, so I’m going to post the email I wrote here. You don’t have to read it, or comment on it, this is one of those posts that is just to get something off of one’s chest.
MissA wrote:
So let me understand this… Your mother in law DIES and you’re pissed because it upset your routine? Sounds like a completely sensitive route to take. I hope your husband cared more for her than you obviously did.
My attempted email reply:
MissA,
You completely missed the point of my post. I’m not “pissed”, I’m stressed out and upset. I wrote the post knowing that my regular readers would be understanding and leave me nice, supportive comments. When someone in my blog community has a problem they write a post about it, and then we help each other.
I don’t understand why you felt the need to attack me personally. You don’t know me at all, you have no idea what I’m going through right now, and you certainly didn’t know my mother in law at all. Has anyone in your family ever committed suicide? No? Ever spent years and years trying to help someone, hoping that if you love them enough they will stop drinking themselves to death? No? I hope to God you never do.
As for your question, my husband cared for his mother to the extent that she would let him, as did I. What really upsets us is that this did not need to happen. She had us, other family members and friends begging her to get help. She talked her way out of the hospital by promising to go to rehab, then went to the intake appointment and lied about having been sober for more than a month. She lied about eating, lied about taking care of herself.
If she had a terminal illness, or a grave injury, and we knew there was a chance she could die, that would be one thing. You said in your comment “your mother in law DIES” as if she had a car accident or breast cancer. She drank herself to death. Her refrigerator was almost completely empty except for a gallon bottle of vodka, which was never there when we went to visit. God knows where she was hiding it. The food in the cupboards was the exact same food we bought her in March when she went to the hospital. She told us she was going to work and going to AA meetings.
So maybe I am angry. My husband no longer has a mother, my children no longer have their Nana. She didn’t have to die. I know alcoholism is a disease, but there is also treatment and help available for it. She turned down our offer to leave the tiny town where she lived alone and move in with us, because she wanted to keep drinking. I’m feeling stressed out and short-tempered because as frustrated and upset as we
were with her drinking, I’d rather have her drinking and alive than dead.
If you have any other questions or comments I’d appreciate you
emailing me directly.
Elizabeth