Just once, I would like to wake up in the morning and know what it feels like to have a normal brain. I would like to feel clear, and focused. I would like to finish a to-do list. I would like to be able to pay bills on time and deal with papers and information that flow in every day in a timely manner. I would like to make a decision, such as losing weight or starting to exercise, and stick to it for more than a few days.

I can’t do any of those things.

It’s been really rough inside my head for the last week or so. I know it’s the seasonal depression, and I know what I need to do. But there’s the vicious cycle of needing to make the phone call versus feeling like making the phone call, which makes me feel worse.

SIGNS OF DEPRESSION:

  • Exhaustion on waking
  • Disrupted sleep, sometimes through upsetting dreams
  • Early morning waking and difficulty getting back to sleep
  • Doing less of what they used to enjoy
  • Difficulty concentrating during the day
  • Improved energy as the day goes on
  • Anxious worrying and intrusive upsetting thoughts
  • Becoming emotional or upset for no particular reason
  • Shortness of temper, or irritability

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION:

  • You feel miserable and sad.
  • You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
  • You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
  • You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may ‘comfort eat’ to excess.
  • You feel very anxious sometimes.
  • You don’t want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
  • You find it difficult to think clearly.
  • You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.
  • You feel a burden to others.
  • You sometimes feel that life isn’t worth living.
  • You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you’ve ever done is make mistakes and that’s all that you ever will do.
  • You feel irritable or angry more than usual.
  • You feel you have no confidence.
  • You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
  • You feel that life is unfair.
  • You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can’t sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.
  • You feel that life has/is ‘passing you by.’
  • You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

I don’t like having depression. I don’t like having to look a new doctor in the eyes (or, in my case, NOT look the doctor in the eyes, because I find it almost physically impossible to look directly at people when I speak to them, which I know makes me seem insincere, and just makes me feel worse) and say “yeah, um, I’m here because I, um, need you to prescribe me some medicine because I feel depressed.”

It’s ridiculous, if you think about it. And yet, it is my reality, every single day from the end of September until at least May of each year. I try SO HARD to think of it as manageable without medication. I think maybe if I go for a walk every day, I won’t be depressed. If I make more to-do lists so I can see what I do accomplish, I won’t be depressed.

I’m depressed. I need to stop thinking of it as a bad thing. I need to stop thinking of it as some giant cross to bear. In that symptoms list, the “feeling like a burden, like a failure, thinking about what is wrong with me as a person”? That is the soundtrack to my life right now. Which is why I don’t even want to call a doctor, even though I know it’s their job to help me.

I’m posting this because I want everyone to know that I haven’t forgotten you. I had been using a laptop that my husband got from work, but they want it back, so he got me a different one, which means I lost ALL of my Bloglines subscriptions. I had like 85 feeds, and I can only remember a handful of them. So my not having been to your blogs lately is not because I’ve stopped being interested, I just can’t remember your URLs. If anyone wants to email me and remind me, please use my new email address elizabeth@table4five.net.

And if you recognize yourself, a loved one or a friend in those lists of depression signs and symptoms, PLEASE get help. If it’s you, you know you should, and if I can do it, so can you. If it’s a loved one or friend, please encourage them to get help. It is a treatable condition, and no one should have to suffer.

I’m doing it for her.

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Edited to add: Sometimes, I just make things waaay harder than they need to be. You know what I have right here on this very page? A BLOGROLL. Copied from BLOGLINES. Which I can use to restore the Bloglines feeds. I know, I could just click through the blogroll, but it’s easier for me to handle knowing who has updated rather than click through every single one of them looking for new posts. No emails necessary my friends, unless you want to email me just to be nice, in which case, that would be great. Carry on.