I’ve been planning to write Ryan’s tenth birthday post since his birthday was on October 2nd, but I want to include photos, and I’ve done something to screw up CompuPic, and my husband and I are not getting along and he’s the computer-fixer, so the post will have to wait.
Saturday, I invited four of Ryan’s best friends over for a non-birthday-party party. Does that make sense? In hindsight, I should have gone to the dollar store and bought some streamers and balloons and stuff, but it just seemed like so much work, so I said to Ryan “hey, let’s invite some of your friends over to play on Saturday, okay?”, and he went for it.
I sent Chris to Sam’s Club for hamburger patties and buns, chips and a giant veggie tray. Another Mom sent cans of pop and cookies in lieu of a gift (which was fine, Ryan has enough toys already and it was two less things for me to buy). Each boy ate approximately one-sixteenth of a burger, one serving of chips and one baby carrot. And a frosted cookie, of course. But they had a great time playing and the time was up before we knew it.
It made me proud to see that Ryan has surrounded himself with good kids for friends. They are all polite, they play well together, there was no inappropriate language or fighting. Having never been popular myself, I have to admit it makes me happy to see that my son is so well-liked.
Sunday. If there was ever a day I wished I could have had a do-over, Sunday would be it. Sunday should be erased from the annals of history and given to me to do again. Like instead of Leap Year, I should get Leap Week, with an extra day to call Sunday.
There was fighting. Stupid, idiotic, emotional fighting, with me in tears and Chris saying “THIS is not the time to have this discussion”, and whatever. Plus, it happened an hour before we were supposed to leave to go to my Dad’s house to celebrate him finally leaving the hospital and his birthday which is tomorrow. We went, but it was all tense and unpleasant., Chris and I speaking to each other in our “polite voices”, yet never occupying the same room at the same time.
It’s the kind of fight that is best for us to not continue to discuss. It’s old crap coming up over and over again, with no real resolution. Except for my husband’s assertation that over the last ten years, “it has been proven over and over again that what he wants doesn’t matter”.
I just don’t know what the hell to say to that.
I don’t really know what’s happening to us. He claims to still love me. My love for him is so deeply ingrained into my psyche that I almost don’t think of us as two separate people. And yet he is deeply unhappy, has been for ten years, which is interestingly the same amount of time we’ve been parents. He refuses to elaborate or discuss it in any way, so I can only surmise that this ten years of what he wants not mattering is directly related to him not liking who he has become or who I have become since we became parents.
I don’t know what the hell to say to that, either.
Is it possible to become someone else when you’re not even sure who your husband wants you to be? If I lose fifty pounds and become the perfect housewife, will he love me again? If I put Kaitlyn in daycare and go back to work, will that make it better? Even if the first one seems next to impossible and the second one would make me unhappy?
I’m sorry, my dear readers. I want this blog to be about something else, but this is what my reality is right now. I’ve got nothing funny or silly or amazing to tell you. Ryan turned ten, Kaitlyn will turn one next month, and yet, despite my claim that this is in fact a Mommyblog, I can’t do any Mommyblogging right now. Bear with me, please.
Hello and welcome to Table for Five! I'm Elizabeth, and this blog started in September 2005 as a way for me to participate in the Mommy Blogging community. I'm married with three terrific kids-boys ages 11 and 9 and a 2 year old daughter. Things I love include my family, coffee, Diet Coke, TV, reading, and Target.
Please contact me at table4five AT gmail DOT com if you would like to discuss anything I've posted here, place a text or button ad, send me a product to review, or provide a guest post. Thank you for stopping by!
OMG we have the same relationship! OK, I’m not married, have no kids and don’t even live with him, but we have the same stupid issues. The “what he wants doesn’t matter.” And me never knowing WHAT that is, since I felt like I did so much to try and make him happy but that wasn’t enough, and I was left wondering even if I kept changing and changing, maybe his demands would just change faster and faster…
It is so much harder with you and 3 kids. I have no advice to give, just support and hugs from afar. Does your church have some kind of counseling you could go to?
I wish you all the best.
I think the world has always spun on the man’s axis. Not because they’re smarter or wiser or more creative, but because their claims get backed up by physical force. Prior to my generation, men have been mistakenly under the impression that “what they want is the ONLY thing that matters”. Recent generations of men are part of the transition to a more balanced way of viewing relationships. However, the whining continues because these guys confuse the importance of what they think with being “the only thing that’s important”. They’re having to share leadership perks and they don’t like it one bit. Subob’s right. Kids make it worse, mainly because kids require focus AWAY from who we are and what we want for ourselves. Women are used to it…men are not. I’m so sorry this is going on in your world. We’re here.
I’m so sorry Elizabeth! Right now I am having the same sorts of problems with my husband except he doesn’t even say anything. He is just tense and angry and grumpy with me and the kids, and I can only assume he isn’t happy about something. When I try to talk, he says everything is “fine” when clearly it isn’t. I’m trying my best to try to make him happier, but then I realized that it isn’t my responsibility to make him happy, especially if he won’t even tell me what is going on.
I am so sorry things are tough for you! I know what you mean about not even thinking of you as two seperate people. I have been with my husband since I was 17, and I feel like we are one person sometimes although less and less these days. I hope things get better for you soon! Sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say. I’ll be thinking of you! Sending you big hugs!
My relationship is like Tori’s. Hubby never complains. We never argue. But it’s like he has this black cloud over him. Then I start obsessing about what is bothering him. The thing is this, he’s totally content. But I’M not. I’m not even the least little bit content. I’m not even happy. But, as long as HIS world is okay, then he’s oblivious to what’s going on with me.
I wish I had words of wisdom. I don’t. But this ~~~ don’t apologize for what you write. Because sometimes, okay most times, writing about it is the only way to get it out of ourselves.
It’s your blog. Write what you feel. Remember, you’re not writing for US, it’s for YOU.
Oh, Elizabeth. I’m so sorry that things are so rough right now. If you want to talk, please email me and I’ll call you. Sometimes, you need a shoulder, and I’m yours, if you want.
Hugs.
It’s not about reverting to what you were or changing you. You’ve changed in ten years and will never be like you were. So has he. That’s not a bad thing.
Any changes that he wants you to make have to be a compromise. It’s not fair to make a change that makes him happy and you not. Why does he want you to go back to work? Financial reasons?
In the ten years we’ve been married my husband and I have had the same argument every 6 mnths or so. It gets really tiring. I know how that is. Don’t apologize for airing it out here…
Elizabeth,
Until Chris is ready to tell you exactly what his deal is, nothing can change or be fixed. And while I’m sure you would love nothing more than to make him happy, how can you if he refuses to be honest and forthright? Frankly, without knowing him, I would have to say that until he can open up and be candid, his unhappiness is his own responsibility. How can you change what you don’t know?
You have lots of friends in the blog world, inlcuding myself. Feel free to use our shoulders.
Hugs,
Izzy
Eliazbeth, so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time. Just remember that while you’re there to love and support, you can’t make him happy about his life unless he chooses to be happy. And making changes to yourself, to your life, are great if you’re doing them to make yourself happy, too. You’ll get through this. Please keep us posted.
Any chance you could get Chris to talk to someone, with or without you? It might help.
As for changing yourself, do it only for you because it’s not going to change how he feels in the long run.
If you need an ear or a shoulder, I’m always here.
ouch. what a painful, painful time. i applaud you for bravely sharing your pain, and hope so very much that you both are able to break through to the next chapter.
Oh boy. I hate the tactic of having fights right as you’re going out the door. That happened a *lot* with my ex-fiancee. Definitely not fair fighting. I hope things get better for you all.
Feel free to ignore/delete this, but here are my thoughts…
Would writing letters to each other to communicate about this stuff help? I know when I’m in the middle of an argument, I feel attacked, and just shut down. My eyes and brain glaze over and the words just go in one ear and out the other. It’s just how I deal with confrontation like that. Writing stuff down to talk about calmly might help.
Is there something else you can do just for you? For your sanity? That your kids and hubby can’t horn in on? I’ve got a weird cooking/baking thing (although not to the scary degree as Izzy on Grey’s Anatomy), and feel at peace when I’m puttering around in the kitchen without someone screaming and/or whining in my ear. Dh of course is thrilled by this, but still. It could be salsa dancing, taste testing espresso/coffee, learning hula, taking an acting class, biking around the neighborhood, whatever.
I tried to call this a.m. but, no answer. I know that for us, sometimes outside circumstances end up bringing the “old stuff” up again. And really, it’s not the old stuff that’s the problem, it’s dealing with the stress from the outside. You guys have had more than your share of stress lately: recent deaths in the family, hospitalizations, serious illness, depression,….
I wonder if the stress from these is catching up on you. Doesn’t solve the problem, but sometimes helps to know some of the causes.
I got here from Ninja Poodles.
I have been there with my marriage. I can only speak from my own experience, but if you are going crazy trying to make him happy, but he won’t tell you what that means, so you are left guessing and in agony, that is a form of abuse.
In our case there was something else going on, but he was masking it by telling me how awful i was.
Courage my dear, just try to take care of yourself and your kids. My heart goes out to you.
Sorry you’re going through a rough patch.
Oh Elizabeth, I’m so sorry. I’m thinking about you and your family.
What others have said — so sorry you and Chris are going through a rough time right now. You have many, many friends out here in blogland, so don’t hesitate to call on us if there is anything you need. Hang in there.
((hugs))
oh Elizabeth. I am just getting caught up with people, and this post makes me sad. But I think it resonates for many of us–we all go through this horrible stuff, and sometimes when we reflect on arguments and all that old resentment you end up asking yourself “what DO we have then?”
and then something good happens, or a tender moment occurs, and you think, well maybe we’re going to be OK. maybe. I really hope you’ve had that moment (and then some) since you wrote this. depressed spouses. not fun. it’s hard not to feel hurt by it–and want to be the solution. but you can’t. when my husband gets this way i find myself getting angry and resentful. oh, and that really really helps!
i’ll tell you something, it’s amazing how many women of our age have the same issue.
Heeeeeyyyyyy. I just had that fight a couple of days ago….
Give it time.
I know this post is a bit old and I know I *probably* shouldn’t become involved but these days if I say anything at all, it’s probably pretty important.
I just wanted to say, Elizabeth, that as far as the weight thing is concerned, to be blunt and frank and honest because I love you and would want you to know…
I think you’re projecting your own self image onto Tover. You said so yourself in this very blog (or was it the version before this one? or before that? ;)) that you still have a husband who can’t keep his hands off of you. He loves you Elizabeth. Thin, thick, short hair, long hair. He loves you. If he wants you to lose weight at ALL it’s because he’s concerned about your health. And to be honest, Elizabeth, I think you know deep inside that is the case. I know my brother. And while he’s always jokingly glanced at the hotties, much the same way you drool over the latest American Idol or prime time action drama hero, it’s you that he loves.
I also know he LOVES his kids, LOVES being a dad and thinks you’re a great mom. I know this through and through and through and honestly it saddens me that you do not because it shows every time I talk to the man so strongly I often walk away from phone calls thinking I should find one of MY kids to snarfle. It’s hard to miss.
Unfortunately that means what he meant by that is probably a little deeper and probably nothing to do with you two being parents, or at least on the surface. I don’t know, I could be shooting in the dark, and probably shooting my own foot to boot but I do know that a lot of mothers completely wrap themselves up so much in becoming and being mothers that they forget they’re wives and friends, too. I don’t mean sexually I mean time spent the way they use spend it before all of the responsibilities of being grown up came along. Now of course you can’t still live like that every day but I do know that for some, and particularly probably someone like my brother, this would be something very important to him.
I also know that when you ALWAYS put the kids first that means someone else is ALWAYS being put last. Once in awhile changing the positions on the totem pole is a GOOD thing - it keeps those use to being at the top very grounded and it helps remind those use to being at the bottom that the bottom is one of the most important pieces because it’s the piece that offers the strength and stability.
I know Tover, I know more than anything he loves his family, and that means you. I wish I could offer a way to help you open him up. I know he’d probably feel better about it if the kids weren’t around and he knew no one was going to get defensive or hurt when he explained his feelings. It’s VERY hard for MOST men to look at the woman they love and say something that they feel is going to cause a rucus is some way. It’s their protective instinct overriding self preservation. Just make it clear to him (and to YOURSELF) that you’re willing to listen - completely and honestly listen. That you’ll do your absolute best to not take things personally or defensively. We’re all human. Part of acknowledging that is acknowledging that we all have faults and when one of our faults hurts the person we love most in the world then we have to put our pride aside and listen - REALLY listen without projecting or getting defensive - to what exactly we’re doing that’s causing the hurt. And on the other hand the other person has to understand that we’re human, we make mistakes, and that if you don’t say “hey it hurts me when you poke me in the arm like that all the time” that I’m not going to know it hurts and I’m going to probably keep poking. In order for someone to fix something that someone has to know what’s broke.
sorry for the novel. Obviously I love you guys and want the world for you.
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