I tried switching to a new blog theme all by myself. I picked one based on it having a color scheme that I really liked. I did not look through the files carefully first to see how easy it would be to work with. I picked a theme that turned out to have code that was hard to work with, making it pretty much impossible for me to add things to my sidebar by myself. I started emailing blog friends who also do design, asking them to take a look and tell me what I needed to do.
Selfish Move #1- These people run businesses. They have clients who pay them to do this. I was asking for free advice and help. I am not special, and I should not ask anyone to work for free.
Three designers looked at the code and told me they couldn’t work with it. The third designer, a blogger who I admire for her courage and strength as well as whom I think is wicked funny, suggested a price for which I could have her modify the theme you see here now by changing the color scheme to match the other theme. Instead of gratefully thanking her and letting her know that I would contact her if I decided to do that, I replied with a not-at-all-thought-out comment meant to snark on the creator of the theme with the unworkable code.
I inadvertently, STUPIDLY, insulted the designer. It is completely my fault. I dashed off the email reply and hit ‘send’ without reading it through, without considering how it could be misinterpreted. I didn’t give it another thought until I got a reply from the designer letting me know that I had, in fact, insulted her, and that I had treated her in a way she didn’t deserve. By the time I got to the last sentence, tears were pouring down my face, and I was shaking all over. How could I have been such an idiot?
I replied to the email with a probably desperate sounding plea for forgiveness, trying to explain what I meant without insulting her again, and now I’m sitting here refreshing my email and wiping the tears away, wondering if I permanently severed a potential friendship with someone I think is fabulous, someone I have always hoped would think of me as a friend.
There are two reasons, then, for this post. One, to publicly apologize to all three of the designers that tried to help me with my code ( you know who you are) if I in any way insulted them when I was fishing for free advice. Also, if the designer I did insult deletes my email without reading it, but then happens to stop by here (which is wishful thinking, I know), I want her to know how sorry I am. This is tearing me up inside. I have had a big mouth my whole life, and it is killing me that my words hurt someone.
The second reason for this post is to show that I am abandoning that other theme and coming back to this one. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, anyway. Izzy did this blog design for me FOR FREE, for which I have never paid her in any way, a situation I plan to rectify as soon as possible. Nancy spent I don’t know how many hours drawing the table graphic in the upper right corner, FOR FREE, for which I have also never paid her in any way, which is another situation I plan to rectify as soon as possible.
Selfish Move #2- Abandoning something that other people did out of the kindness of their hearts without so much as a second glance. I don’t know what I was thinking, and I apologize to both of them.
The designer I insulted is someone whose blog feed I subscribe to, and I read and comment on every single post she writes. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if I should keep reading and commenting or if I should just go away. I know I shouldn’t ask this, but if anyone reading this has ever had a similar situation (not that I hope anyone has), can you tell me what you did? Did you keep going back to the other person’s blog or not?
Oh god. I am such an idiot.
Edited to add: First thing the next morning, I got a reply from the designer. I am happy to report that all is forgiven, we have kissed and made up (well, emailed and made up), and we are, as she put it, moving on. Thank you everyone for all of your kind words!
Unfortunately (or fortunately, I guess?) I haven’t been in your situation, but I’m guessing that if it’s someone that you care to read about a daily basis, she’s probably a good person all around and will be forgiving. And if not, my mom always said that if they treat you like that, do you really want to be friends with them anyway?
I can see the dilemma, with the asking for free advice and such, but you have made it 100% clear that you see the error of your ways… Good luck!!
I once offended someone by email (I think – I didn’t get a reply) whose blog I commented on regularly. I just stuck my head firmly in the sand and carried on as before. That sounds so lame now I’ve typed it out. I hope it makes you feel better though – I’m sure since you have apologised rather publicly (rather than be lame) you’ll be forgiven.
Don’t beat yourself up so much. I’m sure you spoke out of frustration and it was nothing personal. And I’m positive that no one took it as a personal insult.
I wish I could help you, but I’m just learning it myself. After I figure it out and get proficient enough I’ll be more than happy to help you (for free).
Hopefully, this person will read this post because if she does she’ll see how heartfelt you feel and that it truly was a misunderstanding and that you didn’t mean it to say the way it sounded.
I haven’t had a situation like this really, but then again, I’ve probably put my foot in my mouth MANY times and just not realized it.
I think you’ve done what you can. You’ve apologized. You haven’t done anything wrong, other than misspeak or miswrite or whatever. Hopefully, she’ll realize that and you guys can just put it behind you!
Don’t be so hard on yourself. We ALL do stupid stuff, selfish stuff, rude stuff that we wish we could take back seconds after “clicking the send button”. This person will forgive you, because they will see as all your readers have, that you really did not intend to hurt them, and that you are like the rest of us, only human. :::hug:::
Oh i hate it when i do something like that. I hope that she will accept your apology. I would, if i knew anything about templates and such.
Have a glass of wine.
Oh, I’m so sorry! I know exactly that sick, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach where you can’t enjoy anything or even think of anything else because the fear and guilt wipes everything else away. I hope it all works out.
I haven’t done that exactly. But, I did respond with a few choice words in regards to an e-mail my husband forwarded me. Unfortunately I responded to the forward instead of my husband. Yikes! I went and personally apologized.
Twitter: mttsm
says:
Oh, Elizabeth.
Email or call me tomorrow if you want to chat. I’m SO sorry that you are going through this.
This being human stuff is so hard sometimes.
I hope it all works out. And I am glad that your pretty, old theme is back.
Pssst…this (Blue Horizon) was just a test template. We didn’t like this one and it was never finished. The template I made for you is K2. That’s the really cool one with the rolling archives and blue/green buttons at the top. Load K2. K2 is pretty
Okay, call me crazy.. but if you give someone a heartfelt apology, should they not accept it? I worked in web design for more than a decade (I don’t put time into my own blog because.. I love *not* having to futz around with that stuff as much anymore) but I’ve had my work criticized by managers, co-workers, etc.. Sometimes I would take it personally – but mostly it’s just putting stuff on the web. Seriously – are graphics on a page more important than a person’s feelings?
Um.. no – they are not.
So.. you can apologize sincerely. And if it’s not accepted, then you’ve done the best you could. And that person can.. whatever.
It will all be okay. If you’re really having problems you can email me. But then again, I’ve never finished my own template – so PFTZ!
Life is too short for people to get riled up about the little stuff.
Hugs.
I think the fact that the person felt good enough about your relationship to tell you she was insulted is a positive sign that things will be okay.
I don’t really have much advice, just a hug for you. I am the absolute QUEEN of sticking my foot in my mouth; I am just not very good at thinking about how others will interprete what I say before I speak. If you can, try not to beat yourself up over this too much. If you are anything like me, you are just running the whole thing over and over in your head, feeling worse and worse each time. I know it can be super hard, but try and get off that loop. Go do something fun or distracting or talk to someone who knows your “weaknesses” and still thinks you are just awesome. As to whether you should keep commenting, I might consider sending one more e-mail saying that you still enjoy her blog and would like to keep reading and commenting, but that you will understand if that makes her uncomfortable and that you will stop doing so if she would like. Again, hugs, and remember, we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness.
Hey, I volunteered to help so don’t feel bad for a single second about how much time it took (none) for me to determine I couldn’t help after all – that was some funked out code! Since my design business is on hiatus I’ve enjoyed having some extra time to help other bloggers out. I’m sorry the code was something I didn’t recognize.
I will say that yes, as a web designer previous clients and friends who come looking for a free handout (frequently) can get under my skin (not always!). It’s mostly because I have a hard time saying, “HEY, you need to pay me for this!” afraid I’ll sound like a money hungry jerk. But man, if a “help” takes hours and hours and ends up effecting (affecting? I can never remember) my paying work load, then sure, I’d prefer the person to pay me or at least understand that I can’t always help for nothin’, you know?
I don’t know if anyone who helped you felt like that, it’s just my personal experience. And I’m sure it’s always good for people to be aware of. I remember asking my friend who builds furniture if he could build me a dresser for less than what I was finding in the retail stores. He looked at me hard and said, “Uh, no. If you like that dresser go buy it. It was made in a factory. The one I will make you will be handmade, better quality, and involve many hours of my time. It will be more expensive. And it will be worth it.”
Man, did I feel stupid. But! Lesson learned!
You seem very sweet and I’m inclined to believe this is all just a big misunderstanding. Everything will be fine.
Don’t you wish we were really smart with designs and templates? I have the same trouble. I screw things up because I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I agree with Tricia. It sounds like you and your friend communicate well and I’m sure you will hear from her soon regarding your apology. We can all tell you are very sincere about it and she will know too. Chin up! (And keep visiting her blog!)
You aren’t an idiot. You’re human.
I do that kind of thing all the time. The fact that you cried about it? Makes you even more sweet that I even thought possible.
This is an honest mistake. Things like this happen. Like Jenny said, you’re human.
keep visiting her blog. there is no reason you shouldn’t. hopefully she’ll read this, or accept your apology. you know? it will be okay!
Oh bubulah, we’ve all been in similar situations. You seemed to have handled it beautifully though, as evidenced by the fact that all is forgiven. It will sting for a bit, and then, in time, it will be another “silly me” story that we all have.
Hey Elizabeth, no need to apologize to me if you ever decide not to use my drawing. You know I’m frequently changing out my own headers when I tire of them.
And you don’t owe me anything at all for the drawing, I enjoyed doing it. (although if I ever do decide to quit my day job and do more blog design stuff, I might ask you to be a glowing reference…)
Glad to hear you and the designer worked everything out. I know that true friends forgive and forget. Sounds like the relationship you have is strong enough to withstand this, especially because you are really sincere in your apologies.