Remember at the beginning of the year when I wrote about my New Year’s Goals? And how one of them was to lose weight? Well, the truth is, I haven’t lost any weight at all. I haven’t even tried. I’ve been to the gym exactly three times since January 1st, and have not paid a single minute of attention to any food I have eaten at all. My Weight Watchers Online membership expired, so now I am turning my attention to another weight loss site, Sparkpeople. I gotta tell you, if you are looking to lose weight, or keep track of carbs or grams of protein or glasses of water or anything else, SparkPeople is pretty fantastic. Everything is FREE, and the amount of information and help is amazing. This is NOT a paid referral of any kind, I just want everyone to know that this site is available. I have put a button on my sidebar, and if you are interested in checking it out, give the button a click.
The title of this post refers to my newest blog entry on my personal SparkPage. I’m cross-posting it here because I think that once in a while it’s good to open up and let people know what is going on inside my head. And yes, I do see the irony in my simultaneous enthusiasm for the site combined with my reluctance to actually use it. I never said that what goes on inside my head actually makes sense.
*******************************************************
I am so afraid of failure it is paralyzing me. I look at the Menu Plan that SparkPeople gave me for this week and I think, I can’t eat like that. I can’t buy, store and cook all of that food. I am already sure I won’t like the food and I haven’t even tried it yet. All I hear in my head is NO NO NO NO NO.
I don’t want to drink 8 glasses of water a day because I hate having to go to the bathroom so often. I don’t want to even try the Cardio or Strength Training program because I’m sure I won’t stick to it.
And yet, I don’t want to just take baby steps because I want to lose all of the weight, like NOW. I want to throw away my scale because I know I will become obsessed with every half-pound, yet weighing in is required for the program. I can’t stand thinking I weigh 173 in the morning and then seeing it say 174 at night. I am afraid that my metabolism is so messed up that my body will refuse to let go of the weight no matter what I do.
I want to be able to carry a load of laundry up the basement stairs without having to gasp for breath as my heart pounds. I want to be able to run after my kids on the playground. I want my hips, thighs and back to stop aching every day. I want all of these things, and I know theoretically how to get them, but I am so afraid of all that it entails.
I’m afraid that I won’t have food to comfort me, to help me swallow feelings of inadequacy, of anxiety, of insecurity. I am so afraid, I can’t move. I don’t want to lose weight to get into a certain size of clothes, I want to lose weight so that I DON’T DIE of some obesity-related illness. I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, I HAVE to lose weight, and I am afraid.
******************************************************
And that, my friends, is how I am feeling today. Thanks for reading.
Edited to add: Thank you, Joy, for reminding me that I deserve a pat on the back for going to a Low-Impact Aerobics class on Saturday with you. I used to take a similar class three times a week when I was getting in shape for my wedding, fourteen years ago. It’s funny how once you learn the basics of aerobics, you don’t really forget them. And although by the end of the class my face was bright red and I didn’t think I could go on for even another minute, I made it to the end. I should be proud of myself for that.
More From table4five
- The Right Words Don’t Belong Here
- Family-The good, the bad
- “It’s like a High School reunion only if everyone you went to High School with actually liked you.”
table4five Recommends
- Learn How To Sell ClickBank Products (Chad Nicely)
- My Life – Releasing the pain that I have had bottled up for so long…now I'm free! (mamaof3munchkins)
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
I admire your honesty. I think that we are all afraid of something, so you are not alone.
My motto has been, “Feel the fear, do it anyway”. It helps and makes you feel more empowered when you actually do succeed. Whenever that is. Your timetable should be your own.
I’m pulling for you. You Can Do It!!!
Elizabeth, I’m proud of you for doing this and for speaking so honestly and candidly about it on your blog. That takes guts.
One step at a time, girl. It ain’t easy, but it’s doable. Making even small changes like eliminating pop, not snacking after dinner and cutting your portion sizes in half can make a huge difference. You can do this. I know you can.
I know exactly what you mean. i need to loose weight, want to loose weight and know all of the things I have to do to loose the weight I’m just scared of starting, scared of committing myself to it again and scared because I know how difficult it can be and that I wont have the comfort foods to fall back on.
I’m going to have a look at this sparkle thing though. Maybe we can try this together?
Thanks for your honesty. The fear of failure is deeply ingrained in me as well. So much so that there are things I won’t even attempt because to try and fail is a thought so devestating. I don’t know where I got this, though I suspect an upbringing by a perfectionist mother had something to do with it.
what are you SAYING??? coming to class on Saturday was a big step, I think! And you were GREAT! (considering it’s been a while, as you say) Where’s your online pat on the back for that one?? I *loved* having you there–you have such great energy. I love that you chatted through the class and made cracks. I very much hope you’ll come with me next week where we can trip over steps side by side.
it’s all about manageable chunks Elizabeth. Stop thinking big picture and take it day by day with the smallest of things–you don’t have to do it all at once.
Baby steps are the way to go. Maybe you can’t do it all at once, but you can make tiny changes each day and then one day you will notice that you are doing great without even thinking about it. I’ll be rooting for you!
you ruled, E: http://gingajoy.blogspot.com/2007/02/and-let-lurve-continue.html
I feel the same way. I hate baby steps. I want to lose all this weight in a month. I’ve tried many many times to lose weight and I always fail. I will lose about 10 pounds than gain that and more back. It’s a constant battle with myself. A battle that I always lose.
I hope the best for you this time around.
Oh, Elizabeth, I wish I had all the right words, and that words could actually make a difference for you. I appreciate your honesty and wish I could reach through cyberspace and hug you. I love food, and I hate food – love the yummy tastes and hate that it can have such a hold on me; love that it comforts me and hate that I allow myself to be comforted by it to the point I feel like I *need* it.
Please take the baby steps, with your eye on the ultimate goal. YOU CAN DO THIS.
I exercised this morning for the first time in awhile, choosing to be glad I did it instead of kicking myself for not being more consistant. You said you’ll join me at the blog party – join me in this goal of healthy eating and exercise, too!
I’m so glad I found this post via blogher…I am feeling exactly the same way! I’ve tried South Beach, WW (both online and in person), Sparkspeople, and several other diets to no avail. I lost 20 pounds 3 years ago doing a modified South Beach/WW diet but it was so extreme that I couldn’t follow it forever and, you guessed it, the pounds crept right back on.
I joined WW online again but my heart just isn’t in it. *sigh* I’m hoping to find some motivation.
Thank you for your honesty, Elizabeth, it really helps to know we’re not alone!
Baby steps Elizabeth, baby steps! You can do it!! And going to that aerobics class is definitely something to be proud of. In 2004 I was tilting the scale at 190. Now I’m hovering between 151 and 153. I only got there about 4 months ago with lots and lots and lots of baby steps. I’m proud of you for trying, so keep up the hard work!!
i found your site off of blogher and just wanted to stop by and say hello… i appreciate your honesty re: losing weight and the fear you have of taking the first step… i can relate to this because years ago, i found myself in a deep depression and it took over a year before i got up the courage to talk to my doctor about it… and then it took another few months before i made an appt. to talk with someone… those first steps were terrifying, i won’t lie, but i can also tell you that after my first session – i left that office with an incredible weight lifted off me… i realized that i wasn’t crazy and that i’m one of THOUSANDS that are going thru the same thing…
this is just like weightloss – you are not alone on this journey… there are so many of us that hate the scale, counting points, exercising, and planning meals but we do it – one step at a time… focus on one thing for a few weeks and then move on to something else… heck, even take it day by day and soon, you’ll start feeling better and those goals that you set will seem achievable again…
we’re here to support each other…
)
I know exactly how you feel. I’m nearly 40 and just lost real weight for the first time in my life. I had to commit, I had to NOT CHEAT, I had to be afraid…
You can do it.
Dude, i think we cursed each other.
I’m right there. I keep making excuses. I keep thinking “THIS SUNDAY I’ll start.”
And Sunday comes and I go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast…….and it’s all over.
And I think NEXT Sunday I’ll start.
We have to start.
It’s not about being hot (although being hot is good).
It’s about our health.
If they to us that eating bologna every day would keep away cancer for certain, we’d eat it. (or insert food of choice).
Losing weight will make us healthier and help us live longer.
We both have to do it.
To maybe put myself out there a little more, I just gave birth to a second blog, strictly dedicated to weightloss and fitness topics. If you think you’d ever like to be a contributor (no commitment, just a post when yo ike if you have something to say) let me know. I’m going to honestly chronicle my idiocy on this subject over there, plus the whole experience about being me.
Let me know (also, anyone else who is interested, contact me at my blog)
I LOVE Sparkpeople! It is helping me soooooo much. The information they have available is amazing and the food tracking is priceless. I’ll look for you there!
I use Spark People.com and I LOVE IT. It is such a great site. I am glad you found it and think you will enjoy it. I personally can’t use their pre-selected menus but having the food log has been huge in helping me understand calories, etc.
Congrats and good luck.
Shannan
on Spark People, I am sd_boyer.
Great Blog.
Even a tiny step is better than nothing. You SHOULD be proud of yourself for finishing the class. Now go do some other tiny thing that makes you feel good about yourself. I command it.
I joined SparkPeople! Thanks for the link, I’m excited about it and it’s FREE! I used to do some other online weight loss thing, ediets.com or something like that, and they started charging and I stopped doing it.
Do you care if I steal your button for my blog?
I am going to recommend a book to you. It’s called Five Factor Fitness (you can find it on Amazon or link to it on my site) and it is a very doable workout routine for those with time constraints and for those wanting a kick-start program that is not intimidating. You can do this. Good Luck!