Tears on my pillow
Posted by
table4five)
I couldn’t actually say I cried myself to sleep last night, but it makes a better post title than “I went to bed with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart last night”. This morning. Whatever you call 2:30 a.m. The time when you really shouldn’t start reading your old blog entries? Yeah, that’s it.
When I went off to college, I had no problem saying goodbye to my clique of friends. We were all going to different colleges anyway, and maybe some of them stayed in touch, but I drove out of the parking lot on Graduation Day and never looked back.
Oh god, I just had a revelation-what if what I’m doing now is just a repeat of what I did then? Not valuing my previous friendships and just forging ahead with new ones without even making the effort? I am a bad friend, that’s what it is.
What do you call it when you chat with someone within Facebook? It’s not emailing, it’s not IM’ing, it’s-Facebooking? I was Facebooking with Belinda the other day, and I asked a rhetorical question-why am I spending so much time missing my old commenters instead of enjoying my new commenters?
It’s a very good rhetorical question.
Let me show you something-
That was Table for Five when it was active on Wordpress.com. I can’t bring myself to delete it. Nor can I help but notice that it has a Page Rank of 4, even though the last post was almost a year ago. This is what I was looking at this morning, my original blogroll.
BlogMe Beauties (Kelly from Mocha Momma asked a few bloggers, including me, to interview each other before BlogHer last year).
* Fizzle at How the Urbanites Adopt
* Lisa at Surfette
* Mocha Momma
* Queen of Spain
* Sarah and the Goon Squad
* Troll Baby
Blogroll
* Belinda at Ninja Poodles
* Below the Eight
* Bread Crumbs in the Butter
* Chicky Chicky Baby
* ClubMom-The Gimlet Eye
* Genuine
* Ginga Joy
* I Am Doing The Best I Can
* IzzyMom
* Java Junkie & The Monkey
* Jen and Tonic
* Jennster!
* Mainely Madge
* Mama Tulip
* MamaDrama
* Mean Girl to the Rescue!
* Mocha Momma
* Mom 101
* Mom Writes
* Mom/Ma’am/Me
* Mommy off the Record
* Mother GooseMouse
* Motherhood Uncensored
* Mrs. Fortune & Her Cookie
* My Life in the Kid Zoo
* Ninja Poodles
* Nixie Knox
* On the banks of The Rio Grande
* Once More…With Feeling
* Radioactive Girl
* Red Stapler
* Roo the Day
* Self Proclaimed Supermom
* So Much Fun
* Soul Gardening
* Sweatpants Mom
* Three Sunsets
* Trattoria Breve
I feel like, these are the girls I spent every day of High School with, and then High School ended, and I went to college, and now I’m at the One-Year Reunion, and they are sitting together at a different table while I hover around nervously trying to remind them that we used to be friends.
Some of these blogs are still in my blogroll, some don’t exist anymore, and some I just honestly don’t read. Not for any particular reason except that there are only so many hours in the day and I can’t read everything.
But what about all the new blogs in my blogroll? What about all of the bloggers I have met through PayPerPost? Why do I still separate them in my head from my other blogroll, think of them as somehow less important to me than the bloggers who used to come here, who used to leave comments, who helped me get through bedrest and the deaths of my mother in law and grandma in law, who were so happy for me when I got my first product review job?
They aren’t happy for me any more. So why do I still seek their approval? Because they are all good people. They have an opinion, and it’s different from mine, and the fact is, if I stopped writing paid posts and took all the affiliate badges down and joined the BlogHer Ad network again, I would probably, eventually, find my way back in.
Do I even want to?
I feel like I am standing on a bridge, suspended over Niagara Falls, and on one side of the bridge stands all of my “old” blog friends, and on the other side stands all of my “new” blog friends, and I’m frozen in place, afraid to move in either direction.
I fell asleep last night thinking about shutting down Table for Five altogether. Hence, the lump in my throat, the heaviness in my heart, the figurative tears.
P.S. My friend Kate, who blogs at Electric Venom among other places, wrote the “Norma Rae” post about paid blogging that I wish I could have written myself. If you want to read an excellently written post about why people who bitch about paid blogging should really quit bitching, pop on over to Kate’s. Send the link to your friends, too. I might be sad, but I’m still NOT APOLOGIZING. You da BOMB, Kate!
| 2.5 |
Hello and welcome to Table for Five! I'm Elizabeth, and this blog started in September 2005 as a way for me to participate in the Mommy Blogging community. I'm married with three terrific kids-boys ages 11 and 9 and a 2 year old daughter. Things I love include my family, coffee, Diet Coke, TV, reading, and Target.
Please contact me at table4five AT gmail DOT com if you would like to discuss anything I've posted here, place a text or button ad, send me a product to review, or provide a guest post. Thank you for stopping by!
You never know if your blog has blessed and encouraged someone who has been reading it or maybe not even leave any comments. If it has made an impact on someone’s life, why not continue with this ? Treat this as an alternative tool to get in touch with people. But do also use personal meetings and calls as means to catch up with your old friends.I know my best friends and I do not like to Chat online through PC at all. No matter how far we are apart, we will always call to speak to each other. We keep our friendship alive in such manner.
Pamela-what a wonderful perspective, thank you. It would mean so much to me to know that my blog has helped someone, even if they don’t leave a comment to say so. And you are right, I should call my close blog friends more often. Thank you for your encouraging words!
I guess I probably haven’t read enough here to understand why your friends wouldn’t just follow you over here. I’m sure you let them know?
I’m looking at your list and wondering how anyone has time to keep up with all those people? I continually find blogs that I enjoy reading. I keep bookmarking and linking so that I can find them easily, but I just don’t have time to read them every day or to comment much - unless something really strikes me and I feel that I have something to add.
Sometimes people come into your lives for the time you need them, and then they move on. If some of those people on your old list were really close or important to you, do find a way to keep in touch - even if it’s outside the blog world.
For what it’s worth, I just think you need to do what you are comfortable with.
“Commenters” will come and go. What matters is doing what YOU want to do.
If someone has been blogging awhile, they realize that blogging is like most friendships… You find new blogs, you read them awhile and sometimes you find other ones… Its difficult to keep in constant contact and sooner or later, you drift apart. It doesn’t mean you don’t like that person… Its just that there’s only so much time in a day. And like friendships, you usually have a few very loyal people who comment at least once a week who are always there no matter where you move or what you change on your blog…
Sometimes we just gravitate in different directions. Nothing wrong with that by any means…
I think that at some point, we all struggle with whether we should just take it all down. There is no easy answer to that (other than: DON’T!), but I have to say that when I see another blog removed from the sphere, it makes me feel a little sadder than the time before.
Your blog is composed of your words, your thoughts. Don’t write for others, write for yourself.
You know that even though I don’t comment a lot (busy with 4 kids and home daycare), I still read all the time, right? I’d be sad to think you think I am not your friend anymore!
Anna- It’s not that my friends didn’t follow me here, in fact, they were all so helpful when I made the switch to self-hosted! I think this is more me, feeling guilty because I’ve gone in this different direction, and I feel like I’m not part of the same group anymore, but it’s really my problem. I like the idea that people come into someone’s life for the time they need them, and then move on. Thank you for those kind words.
RWA-I know, and I need to not wrap up my self-esteem in who does or doesn’t comment on my blog. I mean, isn’t that silly? And yet, there it is, in the back of my head. For the record, this IS what I want to do, and thank you for that piece of encouragement!! You’re a good friend.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s just a blog, for you and your thoughts or reviews or whatever.
Don’t fold now. It seems as though you are doing well. Just keep plugging away with what you are doing. They will come, if not your old friends, then new ones.
When one door closes another always opens. Ask yourself if you are happy, cause that is all that matters. Oh, and the call I never got at Blogher, yes that too. Just kidding. I knew you were busy.
For me, some of it has to do with time ( the commenting). I read quite a few of the old gang still in my reader, but have less time to comment.
And yeah. Blogs come and go. I was thinking that at BlogHer that a good half of those folks will stop blogging in the next year.
Everything was much “closer” last year. We were all only one or two people away from each other. In that extra year, blogging exploded. I Barely knew who a THIRD of the people at BlogHer were this year…and last year, there were Dooce and Fussy and Alice just hanging out by the pool. We had all almost heard of everyone else. I mean Shit. Eden and I had a conversation about a comment I left on her post ages before at a table.
Its all just gotten much bigger.
OH - and LOTS of new babies in the last year too.
I know how you feel. I’ve been blogging for so long now and every now and then I start wondering why I even blog. Then I remind myself that it doesnt matter what anyone else really thinks unless it’s the family that lives with me. Those are the only people that really matter when it comes down to it.
I think you are doing great for yourself right here where you are. You shouldn’t feel like you should have to change who you are or what you do for a certain group of people. I’ve tried doing that too many times and it never works. I’m finally being true to myself and doing what I want and need to do.
Good luck with this blog and all of your other adventures.
Aw sweety I’m sorry you are still having a hard time with this. You truly need to do what makes YOU happy. Like someone else said, some friends come into your life when you need them but when that need is gone sometimes those friends move on too. It’s not a bad thing especially if new friends take their place.
Make a list of things you like about your blog and things you want to do with it. Then make a list of things you don’t like about your blog and go through it. Decide which things you really don’t like and get rid of them but the things that are soso try to figure out whether to keep them or lose them.
Do this for YOU hun not for them. I’m here if you need me.
I don’t think you want to. It’s one thing to conform to be a part of a crowd, and it’s another thing to be independent and do what is right for yourself 24/7. Once you’ve chosen the latter how can you go back to the former? Why would you want to?
I saw it said somewhere that those doing the bitching often have ads in their sidebar. Right there that makes them hypocrites.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is - do you want friends who accept and love you for who you are, or do you want friends who refuse to hang around you unless you be who THEY want you to be?
The answer to that one is easy for most of us, I think. You simply have to let those people go.
It’s difficult and I did it recently with my blogroll - I was holding on to a lot of people who no longer read me, more for sentiment than anything else. But our link juice is worth something to people (especially those running ads) and we should only give it out to those we read, respect, and have relationships with as fellow bloggers.
I cannot stand bloggers who seek to discourage others. Whether it be by criticizing pay to post or putting them down in other ways, that’s just a sucky thing to do to people. I wouldn’t put up with it in real life, would you? Why do we put up with it on the internet?
I’m always looking for new bloggers who I can encourage and give a bit of link love to. Do any of the people you speak of do that? I doubt it. They only link to their inner circle of worthy people.
Everyone is worthy to me.
You are worthy. Ignore those who would choose to discourage and hurt you. They are not worth wasting your time and thoughts on.
My advice is, when you find yourself thinking about them, visit Technorati, find a blogger with a low authority, and leave a comment on their blog which encourages. That is a better use of your time.
Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org/
sniff. i am crying a wee bit too. because i didn’t make it on either of you blogrolls. and you know, this is all about me.
hope you feel better, hon.
Motherofbun-Thank you for your kind comment. I know it is natural for people to come and go, I just hate it when they go! By the way, the next time you leave me a comment (wink wink), make sure to correct your sign in info, because I’m still getting your old URL
Chirky-I wish I could feel like it was just for me, you know? But I’ve invested two years into not only creating a blog for myself, but also working on being a member of the BlogHer/Mommyblogging community, so it’s hard not to feel like I’m also writing for my readers. Does that make sense?
Tori- HI!! I don’t know how you even have time to turn the computer ON with four kids of your own plus a home daycare! I appreciate the fact that you spend a little of that time coming here
You are SO my friend, and one of these days I hope we can meet in person. Maybe you could come to BlogHer next July!?!
Chris-I can NOT BELIEVE you were at BlogHer and I MISSED YOU! I swear next year, I’m going to stand on a lunch table with a bullhorn and yell my name out so people can find me! LOL
I should print out your comment and hang it on the wall above my desk where I can look at it every time I start to feel that self-doubt. Thank you for such kind words!
Dawn-You’re right, it did feel different at BlogHer this year from last year-more corporate, more like a business conference and less like a social gathering. I think Jory and Lisa and Elisa did a fabulous job, but there is just no way to create ‘intimate gatherings’ for 800 hundred people!
And yes, people will stop blogging, but for everyone that does, five more will start. It’s a wonder any of us can still read each other at all, I know that. And here I am 40, how long can I really keep this up? Plus I may possibly-if-circumstances-don’t-change-maybe be starting a J-O-B next week, working online from home from 12-7 pm every day and maybe weekends too. So who knows how much time I’ll have after that?
At this point I still plan on attending BlogHer next year, although it’s impossible to know what might be going on in my life next July, but if I can go, I will. I hope to see you there.
Petite Mommy-I’m so glad you left me a comment! Not just because your words were very kind and appreciated, but also because I clicked your link to read your blog, discovering that not only do you ROCK as a blogger (although I do agree with you that even though it means following someone else’s rules, that your son does need to be on time to Kindergarten, sorry Hot Daddy!), but you also linked to the contest on DevDad’s blog, and I want to win that camera SO BADLY!
Thanks for taking the time to leave the comment. I’d love to have you as a reader!
Oh sure, totally snub me! I see how you are! It’s because I have ads isn’t it? *sniff*
Just sending a little smile to you today. Deep breath hun.
Jo-I’m sorry it took me so long to reply! Do you see all of these awesome comments? And I still have more on other posts to reply to, because my CURRENT READERS ROCK!
I like the idea of making a list. I did that once before with my sidebar, listed all the things I would really like to have in it, and the damn thing would have taken up two pages! I LIKE all those little badges for maya’s mom and real savvy moms and all the awards I’ve been given, but there’s only such much room in the sidebars!
I really appreciate your support, Jo. You are an amazing person and blogger
Snoskred-I love every single thing you said in your comment. It’s going in my Bookmark file for future reading when I’m feeling unsure of myself. Thank you for such wise words, and for being here for me! I feel lucky to have you as a reader, because you practice what you preach-you are using your energy to encourage me. And you are right-instead of boo-hooing over who isn’t coming here, I am going to start celebrating the people who ARE coming here. And finding new bloggers to encourage as well. After all, I was right where they are just two short years ago. Thank you again!
Gwen-NOooooo!!! I didn’t have you in my blogroll, that is MY BAD! Honestly sweetie, you know you belong right there, don’t you? I clicked through to your blog, gaped at the porn star photo shoot photos, and then promptly got you added on to the blogroll. If a blogroll is all about the people who support and encourage me, then you are in your rightful place! Love ya, gorgeous!
Jo, you goofball! Yes, I didn’t reply to your comment right away because you have those evil ADS on your blog :>) Thanks for stopping by!
Okay, when I read this the other day, I left a comment and was the first one. Now it’s not there anymore! Of course we were IM’ing at the same time so I may have messed up somewhere! LOL
Anyway, it was along the same lines as everyone else… I like reading your blog and you’ve helped me. And the fact that you loose sleep on these things, is a true sign of what a wonderful person you are!
I’m positive that the ones (like me) that you still keep in touch with, still love ya. Don’t worry so much. We all touch people’s lives and there are so many blogs now that it is so had to keep up.
Give yourself some credit lady.
(and yes, i think it is called facebooking - hee hee)
Mimi-You’re right! I’m so sorry. I just looked in my Comments manager, and I must have accidentally deleted it when I was getting rid of a whole bunch of really disgusting spam. Honestly, these people need help.
Thanks for coming back and leaving another comment
I just looked at my blogroll to make sure you were on it! I appreciate your friendship so much.
Karen-I appreciate that You still read my blog, since I know your opinion on paid blogging. I think it’s going to have to be one of those things that we agree to disagree on, because I certainly don’t want to lose you as a friend or reader
I often get asked do I ENJOY paid blogging, am I doing it because I like the writing, not just for the money. I do like the writing, but I’ll tell you what-my price for a Sponsored Review doubled when I got back from BlogHer, and I’m getting the jobs at that new amount. Because I had the nerve to ASK for it. And I LIKE getting paid that kind of money!
Elizabeth,
Taking paid posts is no different than working for the ad department of any newspaper, magazine tv station etc. A certain car dealer in my area claims to have the lowest prices of any dealer. If you find a lower price he’ll beat it. Did the tv station research the dealer and his dealership before running the ad? Did they solicit testimonials from customers who believe they received “the best deal?” I am certain they didn’t. Does anyone begrudge the tv station? They got paid. They didn’t do their due diligence.
As women, we are constantly in search of success and equality. We are all shouting, “Rah! Rah! Go out and get it girl!” And when you do, we question your methods.
Every woman should have the means to support or help support her family. If this is the manner in which you have chosen to do so, more power to you. Take it all the way to the bank
Kymberlyn-What a fantastic comment! Especially this: “As women, we are constantly in search of success and equality. We are all shouting, “Rah! Rah! Go out and get it girl!” And when you do, we question your methods.”
That is my point exactly! BlogHer is supposed to be all about women bloggers supporting each other. But it turns out that many of them are only supportive of bloggers who do things a certain way. Anyone who doesn’t do what the so-called “popular” crowd is doing gets left in the dust. Well, I wasn’t popular in High School and I might not be popular now, but I am happy. And having friends like you supporting me just makes it that much better
Leave a Reply