Is that what this is? This sudden feeling that I am making nothing but mistakes in my life?

You suddenly feel old, uncertain and vulnerable: “Who am I?” “Why am I here?” “Where am I going with my life?”

You’re questioning career choices, re-evaluating commitments to friends and family, worrying about fading looks and mourning the passage of youth.

Welcome to a midlife crisis–that uncomfortable time when you no longer feel secure about your life as it is, but you can’t look backward without regret or look forward without foreboding. source: http://www.mothernature.com

That pretty much sums it up. We spend our twenties and even thirties feeling infallible, feeling like we have all these years ahead of us-and then we hit 40, and it occurs to us that assuming we live to be 80, we have reached middle age. And with that realization comes the thought that we only have so many years left to live the life we desire, but what if the choices we have made up to now leave us without the ability to live that life?

I love my husband, I love my children so much that “love” doesn’t even encompass the feelings, but do you know that every time I look in the mirror, I am honestly shocked at what I see? The image I have of myself in my head and what I see in the mirror do not match, not even close. I think I should see blonder hair, a bright complexion, and about 50 less pounds. And while I know that all of those things are possible to have, I still find myself wondering “how did I get here?”

Every morning I wake up with the same goals-eat healthy, get some exercise, be a good mother, be a good wife, keep my house if not clean then at least not embarrassingly messy, have a fulfilling social life. Every night I go to bed disappointed. And the only person who can change that is me. I’ve taken steps, joined Weight Watchers, for example, but it’s never fast enough, it’s never soon enough, I want it all to change now.

I need to change this blog. Like seriously change it. The theme that looked so fresh and new a month ago now just bugs the heck out of me. I don’t have the $600-$1500 for a custom design job, although I’ve found some premade themes for around $50-$60 that have potential. The problem I have is that I just don’t have artistic vision. I don’t seem to have the ability to choose a design that I like enough to look at every day, day after day. This blog is special to me, it was my first, and I want it to shine. I want to be able to give people the URL and feel pride at what they are going to see. And I don’t. It’s just, okay.

I have blogroll guilt. I feel like I should link not only to every blog I love reading, but to everyone who comments, everyone who blogrolls me-and there are just too many to be manageable. I’m sure people are wondering why they aren’t in my sidebar any more, and I promise, it’s not personal, it’s just unmanageable.

Sigh. I got my hair cut, and it looks okay, see?

hair.JPG

She should be younger.