Last night after dinner we were all in front of the TV, and I flipped by a channel showing a photo of Jamie-Lynn Spears and the voiceover mentioning she was pregnant. I said something like “that’s going to be tough for her, she’s only sixteen”. Nathan said, “how did she get pregnant at sixteen?”
Well, there you go. It was the perfect opening for the whole “birds and bees” conversation. Except, it just didn’t feel like the right time. And I don’t know when the right time is. Am I supposed to casually talk about it while we are doing something else? Do I make a big production out of saying “I need to talk to you about something”? The obvious answer is, I’m supposed to know my own kids and what they would be comfortable with, but with Nathan, there are no easy answers. He lives in the NOW, not in the future. He can barely see ten minutes ahead, let alone hear now about what he is supposed to not be doing when he’s sixteen.
I answered his question by saying “she had sex with her boyfriend and they didn’t use a condom, and she got pregnant”. “Oh”, he said. And he went back to watching TV. It didn’t spark any other questions in his head at all. And of course, I don’t know for sure that they weren’t using a condom, they could have been using one that broke (oh yes, it really does happen, it happened to Chris and I once, causing all kinds of freaking panic). It was just the easiest explanation I could think of. I don’t even know if Nathan knows what a condom is.
Is third grade too soon to explain condoms? Doesn’t explaining condoms mean explaining ejaculation, which means explaining erections? Holy crap!
And by the way, I am absolutely not judging Jamie-Lynn Spears. I doubt she planned to get pregnant, and it is going to be tough for her. I wonder what will happen to her show Zooey 101, if they will write the pregnancy in. If so, it will be pretty controversial to have a teenage character be pregnant. They could try hiding it with big baggy dresses and oversize handbags like they did on Seinfeld when Julia Louis-Dreyfus was pregnant, but who knows? It wouldn’t be the best time for her to lose her source of income, that’s for sure.
Erin has an excellent post about why we shouldn’t make fun of Jamie Lynn, and how we should all remember that it could have been us, and how would we have felt? Bravo, Erin. I’ll let you know how that sex talk works out, too.
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So Jamie Lynn Spears might be welcolmed by you as to how you got a ‘difficult conversation’ off the ground.
Yeah, my 6 yr old watches her show… I wonder when she will hear about it, or if I should bring it up? I think I will just wait and see but she can read now, so I’m sure she will find out sooner or later, probably while waiting in line at the grocery store.
I read and commented on Erin’s post, it was very well put.
Maybe your husband can ask Nathan if he would like to talk more about it and if he has any questions? I have talked briefly about sex, on her age level and appropriateness and I always stop talking about it ( or anything that is hard to talk about for that matter) when she changes the subject. i don’t push the subject.
Twitter: JMom
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I just posted about inspired by your post
Twitter: JMom
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oops, sorry about that I meant I posted about “the talk” inspired by your post
here: http://amoores.com/?p=462
You handled that EXACTLY the way you should. You answered his question matter-of-factly, with just enough information.
There will be other “teachable moments” in this area, and as he’s older, you’ll be able to tell him more. (You may want to have the hubby tackle the condom issue and all things related to it — less embarrassing for Nathan than having it come from mom.)
Last year, I forced Megan to take a Birds N Bees course that was offered through our synagogue to all the 5th grade girls and boys — much more thorough than what they get in public school, plus the kids take the course with their same sex parent sitting beside them, so we are all on the same page. It left me off the hook in explaining the really tough stuff, while opening up the conversation for more. There might be something offered like that in your area.
Twitter: Cybercelt
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When my son was young, I made sure he knew what parts of his body were private and what to do if someone touched him there. I started talking about sex and condoms as soon as he asked.
I think its important to be transparent in regards to sex, so if the kids are in trouble, they will come to me for help. Of course, I will kill either one of my sons if they make me a grandparent! LOL
Twitter: blm03
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I had a hard enough time with the good touch/bad touch talk with Madison. I can only imagine what this talk is going to be like.
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I don’t think 3rd grade is too early. I had a friend in 6th grade (this is many many years ago!) who was telling me about her sexual escapades and that her boyfriend (also in 6th grade) was too big for most condoms. Um, yeah.
I learned in 5th and 6th and 8th and 9th grades. Then I started having sex myself. At 28yo and on my 4th pregnancy, I have yet to get the sex talk from my own parents. So I’m proud of you for being able to come up with a factual answer for your kiddo that he can understand. When he processes it, he may come up with another question or four at some seemingly random time I’ve heard. In the next few years I plan to have a few anatomy and such books just hanging out in our personal library in the basement for the kids to peruse as they come across it, and probably answer bizarre questions as they come up.
Parker is the result of a failed condom.. And Lou is the result of the 1% that makes the pill 99% effective (and yes, I was taking them religiously. I had my nifty cool neeto digital watch set to 9:00 p.m. and carried them in my purse so that I would always have them with me.) I sometimes joke that I think my children were so determined to be born that they should have been wearing armour when I had them, impervious to any sort of pregnancy-thwarting attempts haha.
Nathan – hrm he probably doesn’t know everything sex entails but I’m betting he knows what’s right for him to know.. Maybe he only knows that sex is when two people are naked together, maybe he knows more or less. I’m sure he doesn’t exactly know what a condom does or does not do but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t NEED to know that right now anyway and when it comes time that it should be something he knows he will have enough confidence and intelligence to seek out the answers from you – though there is a fair amount of age-appropriate information shared during sex ed here. I had to sign a permission slip for Lou to be able to participate which was the perfect way to introduce the conversation and open the door for any questions he might have had.
I can’t imagine it being much different for Nay.
Yeah I’ve been disappointed with people attacking her mother as if she’s the worst mother in America… It wasn’t as if this girl was sleeping around, she had a boyfriend for a long time. It’s not as if either child has become a junkie or is committing crimes. With probably 50% of kids her age having sex, a lot of it has to do with luck or with a state depending on the “just say no” approach.
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You did a very good job having the talk with him!
I can’t say anything about Jamie Lynn being pregnate at 16….I have been there and done that. I have an idea how she is feeling and what she is going through right now. So I won’t be pointing any fingers!
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He probably already knows what sex is and what condoms are. He was more likely just too innocent to think that kids are having sex at 16 and thus asking how could she get into that situation when she is too young to be having sex. Well, maybe. My mum tried to have ‘the talk’ with me in grade 4, and I spared her by telling her I already knew it all from the kids at school.
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I agree with cyber celt. I always hated when my parents would tell me im too young to know (besides sex talks as well) and I always hated that. It’s best to be upfront especially if they ask. If not you its their friends that dont know any better. Its always a good idea to have dad talk to the son though if possible
I go by the, if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to hear the answer. My girls are 17 and 12. The oldest already knows everything and the youngest has only asked about the different between pads and tampons. At least I know she is comofrtable enough to ask me.
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Uhm, Eliz I am not sure if I do agree with you on how to answer Nathan’s question.I think kids at his age is asking the mechanical part of what is pregnant. But the answer you give is what can be done to prevent pregnant. Isn’t it giving him a wrong value of having sex before marriage and pregnant without responsibilities?
Pamela
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Pamela-I understand what you are saying. Yes, I agree that children should understand that sex is something for adults to do. But I also want to be realistic and let my boys know that if they do decide to have sex, they should always use a condom, even if the girl says she is on the Pill or whatever.
I think jamie lynn should have used a condom or not even had sex at all she is 16 her sister is a bad example pregnant again
I am a fan I like watching Zooey 101 but wen she got pregnant I got mad because she was stupid for doing that I wish she would not of even thought of having sex. She screwed her career up. Or maybe they could do what they did with Julia Louis-Dreyfus then they could still make shows with her but I don’t know.