Last night, we went out to eat (I know, I’m not supposed to be eating out) and Kaitlyn’s behavior was horrible. She didn’t want to sit in the highchair, she didn’t want to eat anything, she spilled Chris’ glass of water, etc. etc.

By the time I finally said I had had enough and let’s just go, I was in the foulest of moods. We came home, Chris dropped us off and ran back out for cigarettes and a fountain pop for me, and I settled down on the couch under our warmest blanket because it was freezing.

By the time Chris got back, I was sound asleep on the couch. I slept through him having Kaitlyn kiss me goodnight, I slept through he and Ryan playing HALO 3, for heaven’s sakes. At about 10:00 Chris woke me up and suggested I go to bed. I apparently stumbled into the bedroom, took off my slippers, and fell asleep under the covers wearing a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants.

I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed all night long. One bizarre thing after another, which I can now only remember in flashes. Something about working in an office, something about organizing a shelf full of tiny knick-knacks, something about hanging out with a group of actors talking about the movie they were making. But then the dream that I had just before I woke up, that one I can still remember, and when my eyes snapped open at the end of it, my heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to cry.

Chris and I were in a hotel waiting for the elevator. None of the kids were with us. The elevator came and I got on, but Chris was still gathering up our stuff and the doors were closing. I was trying to find the button to hold open the door, but there wasn’t any panel of buttons like on every other elevator, and the doors closed. I figured Chris would get the next one and meet me at the bottom. When the elevator doors opened, suddenly Kaitlyn was there, and she was running out of the elevator ahead of me. I can still vividly see that I was picking up my pair of black shoes and Chris’ tennis shoes and my purse, as Kaitlyn was running away. I got out of the elevator just before the doors closed again, and I watched as Kaitlyn ran down a little dock and jumped onto a tourist boat (maybe we were in the Venetian hotel in Vegas?). The boat started backing out of the slip, and I was screaming at the driver, “stop the boat, stop the boat”. He was looking at me and grinning like he didn’t understand, and I was watching as my baby girl was being driven away on this boat and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

And then I woke up.