Combine two decades of clinical depression with a week of bronchitis and what do you get?
You get me, snapping at everyone and then sobbing uncontrollably. It feels like everything is a crisis situation right now, and to be honest, I don’t really know what it’s going to take to pull me out of feeling this way.
Crisis 1- Financial
Chris took over my long-standing household job of bill-paying last week. See, for most of November, December, and January, I was completely consumed by blogging. Product reviews, giveaways, emails, Entrecard, Facebook, Twitter- there was always something else I could be doing.
I was keeping our mortgage paid and paying just enough on the utilities to keep them on, but that was about it. When Chris sat down and looked at them himself, he was not happy, to say the least. I’m not bringing in much income these days, a little from ad sales (which I really appreciate, thank you advertisers), but not as much as we really need. So for right now, we are living on a shoestring budget while Chris gets all the bills caught up.
Crisis 2- Household
I’ve never been a great housekeeper, I’ve never had a cleaning schedule or any kind of regular plan, and as a result, this place is a mess. Every room has stuff piled up all over and surfaces that haven’t been dusted in, let’s face it, months. We have no regular day for grocery shopping, I make a menu for the week but the chances are pretty slim that we will actually stick to it.
Which means that since Chris has pretty much recovered from his bronchitis, he’s also been looking around and realizing that oh my god this house is a pigsty, and why is there nothing in the fridge or freezer for dinner, like, EVER? Do you know that I own not one but two “cook 30 dinners in one day” cooking manuals and have never, not once ever made even a single dish from either of them? And I gave up on the FlyLady because she actually wanted me to like, clean stuff every day?
I can see that there are piles of stuff everywhere, I can see that going to the more expensive grocery store three times a week instead of planning one trip for everything is a waste of time and money, but it’s all just so exhausting. And when Chris gets grouchy because there’s nothing for dinner, all those feelings of inadequacy and letting down the family just bubble up to the surface and make me say bitchy things I don’t really mean.
Crisis 3.- Personal
I got weighed at the doctor’s office last week. I am FAT. Can anyone tell me what it is going to take for me to stop talking about losing weight and actually start doing it? I’ve got 1. no excuse not to exercise because we have a Wii Fit, 2. an insurance policy that will pay for Weight Watchers, Alli, and all weight-loss related products, 3. a family who is completely supportive of anything I want to do. So what the heck is wrong with me?
I am very angry right now. I’m angry because I’m 42 years old and I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right. I feel like I’ve thrown our finances and the housekeeping and the grocery shopping and my online “job” into the air like huge juggling balls, and now they are heading back down and I have no idea how the heck I’m going to catch them.
I feel like large rocks are piled on top of me.
Yes, I take an anti-depressant. Two of them, in fact.
Yes, I know I should start small, make lists, take things one step at a time.
I know that exercise helps with stress.
The thing about clinical depression is, I can’t just “snap out of it”. I usually can start tapering off the anti-depressants by now, my depression is mostly seasonal. There was something about this bout with bronchitis that shook the depression up, that seems to have reminded it that hey! there’s a lot of crap going on in this lady’s life right now! Don’t go away for the summer! Stay, and make her feel the crushing weight of sadness!
I’m being glib, I know. The more I think about it, the more I type the words, the more it seems like I SHOULD be able to just “snap out of it”.  What I do know, for right now, is that writing this post is helping. Getting the words out is helping. I debated about publishing this or just keeping it in Drafts, but then I decided that there’s never been a guarantee that this would be a happy-happy-joy-joy only kind of blog. I’m a real person, with real problems, and this is what is going on with me right now.
For now, I’m going to focus on getting myself well. I’m moving all product reviews and giveaways to MomReviews for now, because I want to keep this blog personal for the time being. I appreciate that companies know the Table for Five “brand”, but I’m not feeling much like an asset at the moment.
I’m going to have tea parties with Kaitlyn and her Baby Alive doll, and comb the manes and tails of My Little Ponies, and watch “Heroes” and “Dollhouse” and “Big Love”. I’m going to watch as the sun gets stronger in the sky and get myself outside in it every day if I can. I’m going to let my husband hold me while I’m falling asleep and listen to my boys talk about their latest Halo Achievements. I’m going to sing along to “Nine in the Afternoon” on Rock Band 2.
I’m positive that everything will get better, eventually.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=21d1f5fd-ab72-4f48-9eb2-8861d61f2c70)
More From table4five
table4five Recommends
- Got Your SOPA and PIPA Hanging Between the Legs! (Chad Nicely)
- Google Plus Increase You Traffic…Grab My Google Plus Tools (Chad Nicely)
Twitter: simplyandreah
says:
I suffer from a mood disorder and I have had depression on and off my entire life. I feel your pain. BIG hugs to you, things will get better soon. Just take it day by day.
Elizabeth, I’m so sorry for the way that you are feeling right now. If it makes you feel any better, I can put myself in your Crisis #2 category. You are not alone there. As for Crisis #1, my husband is self employed and work is slow. I am feeling the stess of money not coming in and lay awake at night worrying. Take care of yourself. I do hope you start feeling better soon.
I’m here for you sis. I love you so so much. Know that I know where you are, and I know WHO you are and I am here.
With all my love.
Twitter: Table4Five
says:
JJ- Thank you, sissy. Part of what is so hard is not having parents around to help. My Dad and Jean are at their timeshare in Gulf Shores, and headed to Arkansas to see her mother next. I can’t ask them to cut their trip short. Your Dad is crazy busy with his new business, although he did take the boys overnight last weekend which was a HUGE help. To be honest? I want my Mom, a feeling I know you can relate to all to well.
Love you back.
Twitter: the3kidsandme
says:
Hang in there.. I hope that things start to get better.
You’re so brave to post this! I’m sorry that it’s getting you right now but you seem to have the right attitude. Sunshine, exercise will help, and little by little you’ll get there. We’re here to listen!
I’m with you. Except I’m married to an artist and we have crap health insurance that costs a fortune. It’s hard to have a happy outlook, but hopefully things will change. One little bit at a time.
Twitter: mommydaddyblog
says:
It’s a struggle here too, trying to back away from blogging but it pays the bills! Learning how to politely decline tons of pitches as of late. I feel much better and I hope you do too! XOXO
Please, gather all your strengths and find something positive. Yesterday i was in a depressive mood, didn’t want to go out, but a sip of the fresh air and a new set of lingerie made me feel better. It seems that Xanax doesn’t help me anymore.
Ok, I don’t know if this comment is going to publish twice because it booted me out.
But you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing by taking time for yourself! Take it one day at a time, and you have every reason to feel overwhelmed. Everyone being sick at one time really stinks.
I’ll be thinking about you.
Twitter: debmomof3
says:
Ugh, see I was bad and didn’t even get a chance to call you back yesterday – I’m sorry! We were on the go pretty much all day. I did get your message though – we’ll definitely have to set something up once you all are feeling up to it!
Your crisis (crisises?) sound way too familiar. All three of them, actually. And I’m on antidepressants too. Lately I just look around my house and can’t get up the motivation or energy to really do anything about it – and even when I do, I feel like it’s just trashed again within hours. Even when there are things that I KNOW I need to do (pay bills, balance checkbook, etc.) I just can’t seem to bring myself to care all the time.
I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to get into all of that in this comment. I just wanted to say that I know at least a little bit of how you feel and if you ever need to talk, you’ve got my number!
And I promise to call back next time if you leave a message. ((Hugs))
It is tough juggling it all. I’ve currently got all three kids hanging on me/sitting on me for some lovin’/playing, so yeah, no checkbook balancing or laundry folding happening in the very near future.
I can so relate. Thank goodness for antidepressants but when you’re down it is hard to get out that slump. You’re on the right track though. For me, it does help to blog. And I’m only an email away if you need to chat.
Elizabeth, from someone who has been there too and knows how difficult it is to take your own advice, do it. Do all the things you’ve said you will do here. Just take it slow and realize that any small step is really really good. And then just keep going every day no matter how hard it seems.
Thinking of you.
Liz, I hate to say this story sounds too familiar. I have the exact same problems as you have with the housework and the finances and the weight. Try to be happy in the fact that you don’t suffer alone in this and that there are people that do understand what you are going through. I know that finances and time are tight, but I know that therapy has definitely helped me in the past couple of months. It has made me feel better about myself and less guilty about some of the things I do (or don’t do in this case). Therapy doesn’t have to be, and shouldn’t be only in times of great stress, because usually by then it’s too late. So if you can afford it, I would definitely suggest that option.
I know how frustrating it is to talk about getting started with a plan, whether it be sticking to a budget, losing weight, cleaning, and then failing to follow through. When this happens to me, I feel so frustrated and angry with myself and beat myself to death with the phrase “What is wrong with me”. The truth is there is nothing “wrong” with you. The phrase that my therapist keeps telling me to repeat to myself whenever I start to feel guilty and defeated is “Even though I didn’t __________ I love and accept myself”. This has really helped me stop the vicious cycle of guilt so I can get back up and try again.
I know that some of this might sound cheesy, and it did to me at first, but I thought I would give you a little insight from someone who has hit the bottom and knows EXACTLY what you are going though.
Peace and Love to you!
P.S. Don’t give up on FlyLady! Even if you have to repeat the first baby step for a month, just remember you are building a routine. I’ve been on step 5 for about 2 weeks because step 6 was just too much for right now. Now go shine your sink!
lol
Twitter: homemom3
says:
I can totally relate to the housekeeping and the weight issues. Been going through both myself. On the house I just hate keeping it just to have the kids rip through it two or 20 minutes later and then to do the whole rinse and repeat 5 times a day just to make sure it is clean for the hubby.
On the weight it is hard, after four kids I looked in the mirror one day and found I’d completely lost what i once looked like. But it wasn’t just that, I’d lost the person I once was. I’m currently trying to re-discover myself, with that I’m trying to lose weight. I think thsi happens to all of us moms, but we moms that aren’t 100% perfect judge ourselves by the Jones’, I’m not a Jones’ or a Cleaver mom and would love to be.
I think we just set such high standards and when we can’t meet them we hit a depression. Could be wrong, but I think it happens more often then we think. I hope things start shining through for you.
(((HUGS)))
I just read your blog for the first time. Found it on moms.alltop.com. Just wanted to let you know that depression or increase in depression symptoms can be caused by the use of albuterol.
I hope things are looking up…
Take care!
Twitter: marybabysteps
says:
Oh, honey, I can so relate! I have felt better lately by making changes for myself. I’m eating a bit better and am taking time to get dressed and put on makeup every day. Even if it’s at 2 in the afternoon! It takes time and goes in cycles. Best of luck to you, but I totally recommend doing something JUST for you in addition to the time you plan on spending with your loved ones.
Just wanted to let you know that a side effect of albuterol is depression.
Twitter: pricousins
says:
Hi there! I saved the feed from this post until the “right moment” when I could come back and offer some encouragement.
I don’t have too much of that, now that I am posting a comment here, BUT I can be support to you. Depression is hard, we all know that. I’ve been dealing with that since I was a lil girl.
Stop by my blog – I hope to get it up today – if not I will let you know either here, on Twitter, or on FB.
I hope that your bronchitis is healing and that you are feeling better. Are you doing any better at all? If you ever need to talk, all of my contact info is on my FB page, and u can find me on twitter also (@pricousins), or just email me at this email.
I don’t know when or how, but things will get better!
Angie