From clouds to sun to clouds again

Two weeks ago, I pulled myself out of the darkest place I had been in a long, long time, and called my doctor’s office for an appointment. I told first the nurse and then the doctor the same story-what I was feeling wasn’t my usual seasonal depression. I couldn’t sleep, or I slept too much. I was irritated by everything and everyone, all the time. And worst of all, for two weeks out of each of the previous three months, I had experienced PMS like nothing I had ever felt. I needed help.

Instead of re-prescribing Wellbutrin and Lexapro, she prescribed Venlafaxine, a generic form of the antidepressant Effexor.  That way, I would only have to take one pill once a day instead of two in the morning and one in the afternoon.  She handed me a sample pack with seven 37.5 mg.  pills and seven 75 mg. pills, and wrote me a prescription for six months of the 75 mg. dose.

The next morning, I took the first 37.5 mg. dose, and the next day and the next. By that third day, I realized that I felt, well, GOOD. I felt happy, and for me to feel happy for no reason is rare. I felt like getting off the couch and tackling cleaning projects, like taking Kaitlyn shopping, like getting dinner on the table by the time Chris got home. I felt AMAZING on that 37.5 mg. dose.

Then I started the second week at the 75 mg. dose. The first day, I noticed I was tired, yawning a lot. I’ve had an inconsistent sleeping schedule for years, so it’s not unusual for me to be tired during the day. The next day, I was still tired. By the third day, I was tired AND I felt irritated.  I stopped wanting to get off the couch.  It was like the cloud came back, and there was nothing I could do.

Last night, we took Kaitlyn out to eat for her birthday, then stopped at Macy’s to buy Chris a pair of pants. I had what I thought was a $50 gift card sent to me for hosting a giveaway. Kaitlyn would not behave in the store, she was running behind racks of clothes and then jumping out and yelling  BOO! for some reason.  Near where Chris was looking at pants, a lady was putting security tags on a rack of leather coats, and each tag had an alarm that she apparently had to test to make sure it worked. So, over and over, I was hearing this high-pitched screeching.  Kaitlyn wasn’t behaving, high-pitched screeching, Ryan was whining because he had homework to finish which he should have done after school instead of waiting until after dinner, oh, and at dinner, I was trying to take pictures but Nathan kept making faces and it was pissing me off.

Then I got to the register with Chris’ pants and a package of white tube socks for Ryan, well within the $50 limit of the gift card. The lady rings everything up and I hear her say something about $14.22.  I thought she was telling me that’s how much was left on the gift card, so I just stood there, waiting for her to hand me back the card. She said it again, $14.22.  I said great, I can buy a little something for myself- wait a minute, what?

What she was saying was that I OWED $14.22.  And in a flash I realized what had happened. The giveaway sponsor had sent me two gift cards- a $50 one for me, and a $25 one for the giveaway winner. There was nothing written on the outside of either card to indicate which was which. When I went to mail the card to the winner, I just grabbed one without remembering to check the balance.

I sent the giveaway winner the $50 card.  Which meant that not only did I pay out of pocket to mail her the card (I stuck it in a little box and paid for package tracking so I could be sure it would get there, $20.00), but it cost me $14.00 for a package of freaking SOCKS (what is up with that, Macy’s?).  That was pretty much the last straw for me.

Out in the parking lot, I started griping about messing up the gift cards, and how we had just spent $56.00 on dinner out, and now there went another $14.00, and Chris had just been paid that morning and we hadn’t even paid bills yet, and I was just stuck in this emotional place I couldn’t get out of.  Chris gave me a hug, and then said “maybe you should go back to that 37.5 mg. dose of that medication, it was working a lot better for you”. And I LOST IT.  We got into a stupid fight right there in the car, right in front of the kids.

When we got home, Chris let the kids into the house while I sat in the car, then he came back out and we sat in the car to talk. He told me that I wasn’t seeing how I was acting, but that my moods were swinging all over the place and that it was affecting everyone. There was more talking, and long story short, this morning I called the doctor’s office and left her a message that 75 mg. of this medication is making me WORSE than I was before it, and that I needed some help. I’m waiting to hear back on what she wants me to do.

I just want to feel happy again. I liked who I was when I was happy.

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