Stupid Social Anxiety

I want to be like everyone else. Or at least, I want to be the way I THINK everyone else is.

I want to be someone that other people want to be around.

I want people to be excited at the prospect of meeting me, of spending time with me.

I want to be invited, included.

I was okay right up through college. I had great friends in high school, we did everything together. College was a little trickier for me, but I got invited places, friends wanted to hang out with me.

I didn’t realize I had a problem until I hit my mid-20s and went to work at an office for the first time.

Everyone was nice to me, always, but no one, and I mean NO ONE, ever invited me out to lunch. Or for after work drinks.

Sure, they would chat with me in the elevator or at my desk occasionally, everyone knew about my pregnancies, about buying my first house.

But no one asked me to go on lunchtime walks or hit the mall after work for new shoes.

It bugged me, a lot. I tried to reach out, make the first move myself.

I invited a coworker from another department to lunch. We sat, we ate, we talked. *I* talked. A LOT. As usual.

It was the only time we had lunch together, ever.

After that, I just went down to the break room, found an empty seat, and watched Young and the Restless with everyone else. And tried not to talk. Keyword there being TRIED.

I couldn’t be quiet as a child, either. Every parent-teacher conference, every report card said the same thing. Good student, very bright, advanced reader, but can’t be quiet. Can’t stop talking.

Driving somewhere, my parents up front, me in the back, my sister asleep. Trying, TRYING with every fiber of my being not to talk. To just be quiet with my thoughts. Despite a sisyphean effort, I feel the words bubbling up. Must. Say. SOMETHING.

I have no idea why I am like this. Why it is almost impossible for me to be quiet. I can’t sit through a movie without talking, without making comments to Chris or Ryan or whomever is sitting next to me.

Last night, Nathan had a band concert. I sat next to my friend Patti, mother of Nathan’s friend Mike, whose husband Rick worked with Chris at EDS. Patti and I have always gotten along well, but she works as a nurse so we’ve only chatted briefly as I’ve dropped Nathan off at her house.

I could not stop whispering comments to her during the band concert. I knew I was doing it, I just could not stop.

And what started out as “hi, Elizabeth! How are you?!” turned into “okay, see you later” when the concert was over.

All I could think of on the drive home was why couldn’t I just shut up for 30 minutes?

What’s weird is, if I’m alone, I don’t talk to myself. I go to movies alone, restaurants alone, I sit here alone while Kaitlyn is playing in another room, and I don’t talk.

But put someone anywhere near me, and the words start coming. And coming, and coming. Wordy wordy words.

I think back to blog conferences and events. To the distinct lack of invitations to join anyone for dinner or go back to their room to hang out with a group. And I have to look at it from other people’s point of view – I do not shut up, I’m positive it annoys the crap out of people.

So, what do I do? I certainly don’t want companies to stop inviting me to their events because they think I’m some kind of freak. And I don’t want other bloggers to run the other way when they see me coming…because they think I’m some kind of freak.

I already take Venlafaxine for depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Geez Louise could I BE more messed up? I can’t take a higher dose than I already do because when I tried, it made me jump out of my skin.

I’m afraid to tell my doctor that hey, I know you already are medicating me for anxiety, but I’m still anxious, HALP.

All I know is, I don’t want to be this way, if there’s anything that will help. I have many fine redeeming qualities, and I hate that they are overshadowed by my incessant blabbing. I think people would like me if I could just shut up long enough!

*sigh*. Sorry to be a bummer on a Friday, but I had to get this off my chest. Comments are open, feel free to throw your two cents at me.

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20 Responses to “Stupid Social Anxiety”

1. Lisa
   Twitter: blm03
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 11:05 am

   Everybody (I think) feels like that. You aren’t alone.
   Lisa´s last blog ..Gymboree Outlet Printable Coupon
2. Kelly Bitz says:

   February 26, 2010 at 12:04 pm

   I loved you back then, I love you now, just the way you are!
3. homemom3
   Twitter: homemom3
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 12:30 pm

   I agree with Lisa, I think everyone feels that way. In fact I know I do, I blame it on being home all day for me. I can talk with my 2 year old all day or watch the same movies (no cable) but it just isn’t the same when an adult comes into view. My poor husband I keep up until wee hours or until I hear him snoring just because I want to talk with someone.
   homemom3´s last blog ..Friday Giveaway List
4. Hannah B.
   Twitter: hrbeck
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 1:21 pm

   I feel your pain because I have just the opposite problem. I’m too quiet & can’t speak up. When I do, noone can hear me because I have a tiny voice, like a little kid. I’m terribly shy and in social situations I just clam up. People get very uncomfortable because I can’t make small talk with them. They try to talk for both of us, but wind up shuffling their feet and trying to come up with an excuse to remove themselves. I can’t help it. I was brought up that way. My parents told me “Children should be seen and not heard” so many times that it’s like a mantra I know better than my own name. Even though I’m all grown up, the tape keeps playing and telling me to be quiet and blend in with the wallpaper. So, I know the feeling of being “different” and I really, really feel your pain. It’s hard to be so honest talking about what we see as our shortcomings, but your doing so has made *me* feel a little better, so take comfort in that.
5. Joanna Smith
   Twitter: joannaonthelake
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 1:37 pm

   I was compelled to visit here and give you a big virtual {{{{{{{HUG}}}}}} You obviously don’t know this, but you are a beautiful person, both inside and out. The sooner you believe that about yourself, and accept your radiant personality, the sooner you will find the confidence within yourself that you need to live your life without second guessing everything you say and do.

   I can totally relate to talking too much, I mostly do it out of nerves and stress too! But if what you are saying is kind, respectful, and you are not being gossipy or malicious in any way, then I would say you just have a bubbly personality!

   It is never too late to try and tone things down a little, but don’t change who you are one bit! Love yourself, and others will love you back in return. But when you exude insecurity, lack of self esteem, others can sense that and will react accordingly, if that makes sense.

   Forget the past, just learn from what behaviors you may want to modify, and remember each day is a new beginning, a new journey, and a chance to embrace who you are and evolve as a woman. So perhaps the Elizabeth yesterday felt she talked too much, the Elizabeth who is evolving may tweak that a little and just turn it down a notch. But don’t beat yourself up over any of this, because you are a kind, obviously loving person who just want to find like minded friends!!

   Remember to love yourself and the world will open its arms to you I promise!

   Joanna
   xoxo
6. Qtpies7
   Twitter: Qtpies7
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 1:40 pm

   I feel your pain. I talk too much, too. For me, I want to find a balance because people will ask me questions and I will answer, but I never ask them about themselves. Not sure why, it isn’t that I want to talk about myself or don’t want to hear about them, but more that I haven’t been taught that skill.
   Qtpies7´s last blog ..Flying lessons
7. Andrea H
   Twitter: simplyandreah
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 1:44 pm

   I could have written parts of this post myself. I too have a lot of anxiety especially in social situations.

   Girl, if we are ever at a conference together I would love to hang out with you! We can talk each others ears off!
8. barbarabaker
   Twitter: blogfully
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 2:25 pm

   It was as if I was reading my own life story (without the meds) LOL!!!

   Seriously though, I think every single one of us has that earge to speak, babble, talk. I think we all have that “something” that makes us want to be adorned by others, that wants to fit in, that wants to be a part of something greater than we believe ourselves to be.

   I’m right there with you. I can’t shut up to save my life. But in the same sentence, I could say that I have always had issues with myself. How I’m looked at, what I’m worth. I was born with bilateral cleft lip and have undergone 23 facial sergeries to correct (what’s never really been corrected). I guess that’s why I’ve always had such strong, strong anxiety issues, but I just wont bring myself to taking “happy pills” (that’s what we call them)

   Hope you feel better- I know if I saw you in person somewhere, I’d like the constant babbling. You’d be alright by me!!!!

   Happy Friday!
   -barbarabaker
9. ElizCron
   Twitter: elizcron
   says:

   February 26, 2010 at 2:39 pm

   Your words are exactly how I feel so often. People who don’t have anxiety can’t begin to understand how it feels. I’m constantly chastizing myself for things I’ve said or not said.

   The truth I’ve learned is that you’re 100x harder on yourself than other people are. When you think you’ve annoyed the crap out of someone they probably thought you were really friendly.

   Keep putting yourself out there and realize that it’s your anxiety talking in your head, not what’s reality.
10. Anna
    Twitter: bcmom
    says:

    February 26, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    I think we should hang out together, because lots of times I find myself with nothing to say. Some people I just hit it off with and don’t have a problem, but most social situations are just draining.

    Apparently, I used to talk non-stop when I was little, so much so that my parents nicknamed me ‘Windy Anna’ – but then I went through a shy stage where I barely said a word – all through grade school and junior high. In high school I decided to put myself out there, and I still can, but it takes a lot of effort. Naturally extroverted people just don’t understand that.

    Oddly enough, I talk to myself all the time.

    I don’t think I want to see a movie with you, though.
    Anna´s last blog ..Looking at the Sky on Friday – 47
11. Lanna says:

    February 26, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Some people are just more chatty than others.

    I’m a major introvert. I have to think about things before I say them most of the time – being put on the spot is majorly bad thing for me.

    Whereas my 6yo? Holy hell, I cannot get him to shut up. Ever. He talks just to talk – rather than thinking about things in his head, he talks through things, especially when other people are around. It does get annoying to me because yes, I heard him explain about galvanized nails one of the six times he was lecturing about it minutes before, but it just is who he is. Working on figuring out how to help him deal with it myself… (fwiw, I’ve been reading _Raising Your Spirited Child_ by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka – might be worth a look.)
    Lanna´s last blog ..
12. SheSaid/HeSaid says:

    February 26, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    I consider myself socially challenged because I don’t seem capable of opening and maintaining a conversation. I’ve even avoided events because of the anxiety it triggers inside my head.

    My closest friends seem to be complete opposites from me – they are quite socially adept and carry me along until I find my footing. I eventually can hold my own for a short period of time – but then I reach that moment of silence and feel the panic bubbling inside me. To make matters worse, my two closest friends live in California and Maryland – while I am in the South – so riding their social coattails is out of the question these days.

    In many ways, I completely understand how you feel – I completely get the unhappiness at not ‘being like everyone else’ and the desire to blend in socially.

    Too bad we couldn’t ride one another’s coattails – I’ll help you talk less and you could help talk more!
    SheSaid/HeSaid´s last blog ..Video Games Are Ruining Lives
13. Laura
    Twitter: soleflormom
    says:

    February 27, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    I have that feeling even with the mother’s of my son’s class. They almost know each other because they meet in other places like, football classes, music classes, etc. My son doesn’t attend extra classes so no way I can meet them.
    You are not alone.
    Laura´s last blog ..Giveaway: Big Universe – Read, Create and Share Children’s Books Online
14. Deb - Mom of 3 Girls
    Twitter: debmomof3
    says:

    March 1, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Elizabeth – I think I love spending time with you, because I have such the opposite problem. I’ve always been painfully shy and quiet – it takes a lot for me to spend time in a group of people because I’m so focused on trying to find something to chit chat about. I spent 2+ hours last night getting my hair done and trying to say something to the stylist so she wouldn’t think I was completely anti-social. I love how easy it is to converse with you!

    I do wonder too about the conferences and events and such – and how I come across. I don’t get invited to coffee or anything at those or even just by the other moms at preschool or church. I’ve gone to our church for 6+ years now and don’t know anyone more than just to say hi and have small talk with while waiting for our kids outside of Sunday School. It’s always been hard for me to make friends too. I guess we’re in the same boat kinda, just for different reasons.

    Going to a Grand Rapids blogger meet-up tonight – and am so darn nervous… Wish me luck – apparently I’m at least not the only wallflower in the group, so that should help some.
15. April
    Twitter: GaFlygirl
    says:

    March 2, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I know how you feel. I am shy in group settings, but I seem to talk non stop on one on one settings whether it be with a friend or family member and I guess I tend to talk about my life and talk more than listen so I guess these are all struggles I have tried overcoming and I don’t get invited to anything either. I am not sure if it is because either I talk to little or too much or simply just come across as different. I have heard that behind my back it has been said I don’t believe anything unless it comes from a doctor. I don’t think that’s true. I just guess I am opinionated. Maybe that has got in my way, but as a result I AM insecure, and I have struggled my whole life so I feel your pain when it comes to being socially acceptable and making close friends.
16. tanyetta
    Twitter: tanyetta
    says:

    March 3, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Sweet Elizabeth,
    We’re all different and that’s what makes us who we are. I can totally relate to your situation. I feel the same way and especially when someone asks me a personal question, I want to tell them none of their business instead, I tell them everything and then tell them way more than they need to know. It’s like I can’t stop myself either. UGH! By the way, you can always come and hang out with me
17. Garrett Bender says:

    March 3, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Take a deep breath. Now call your dr. and let him know that the medication is not working. There are other pills out there that may help better. And also don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Everyone has issues!
18. Anna says:

    March 4, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Hey, your experience is uncommon as well as rather funny! It was interesting to read:)
19. white plains movers says:

    March 5, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Maybe you need to find an activity to redirect your anxiety to? Not sure, I’m no doctor, haha.
20. Kate
    Twitter: cleht fracases
    says:

    March 10, 2010 at 6:29 am

    I just want to calm you: nobody is saint in the modern world, and it is better to reveal your feelings than to keep them in your mind. Unrevealed feelings can seriously spoil our health.
    Kate´s last blog ..Symfony 2.0 Preview Release Announced