As part of the pre-Optifast testing I went through, I had an hour and a half consult with a behaviorist named Richard. I forgot to ask him if he was a psychiatrist or a psychologist, googling the word behaviorist made it seem like it could be either. Before the appointment I filled out a 12-question questionnaire, so he had that, plus the 15 other pages I filled out about my perssonal, medical, fitness, and weight loss history.
The questions I answered were about my mood over the seven days previous, and I had to say whether they had been less likely, more likely, or extremely likely to occur. Questions like “I felt irritated at my family and friends”, “I felt hopeless”, “I found myself getting angry easily”. Of the 12 questions, I answered that four of them had been “extremely likely” to occur. I don’t even remember which four, although I’m happy to say I answered “less likely” to the feeling hopeless one.
What amazed me is that from my answers to those questions plus a couple he picked out from the 15 other pages, Richard was able to pretty much figure me out exactly. He knew, even though it wasn’t a specific question, that my Dad had been emotionally distant and wasn’t home much while I was growing up. He knew that the beginning of my weight gain coincided with my moving out of my parent’s house, that I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t for him to figure me out that precisely.
He said I was a perfectionist, compulsive, and have “interpersonal hostility” tendencies. He’s not wrong.
Despite being treated for chronic depression since my mid-20s, I’ve never had counseling or therapy. Insurance doesn’t cover it, and I always felt like nothing I had been through was really that big of a deal that it needed professional help to get through. According to Richard, I’m wrong about that. Twice during our session he suggested a find a counselor and get some help to work through some issues. Imagine my surprise at hearing that.
The thing is, there was something that happened to me when I was a child that I’ve always known has affected me throughout my life. I’ve never written about it here because I…well…I don’t know. I don’t want to be looked at as some kind of victim, I don’t want the label. I feel guilty because there are people who have been through truly horrible things as children, and my tiny, one-time-only thing seems so insignificant compared to that. Who am I to whine about one thing when others have suffered so much?
Does that make any sense?
Here’s the thing about the session with Richard that also surprised me – as I sat there walking him through my life from childhood to now, telling him all my deepest secrets, I felt better. He said things like “I’m so sorry” and “you were right to do that” and “that must have been so hard for you”. I never knew how good it would feel to have a professional hear me out and let me know that it’s okay to feel bad about the mistakes I’ve made, and that I can overcome them.
That I do not have to be defined by who I was. That I can start from right now and be better.
I have a long, long way to go, people. I have at least 65 pounds of fat to lose in order to just be “overweight” and not “extremely obsese”. I’ll have to confront my feelings about food, and hunger, and comfort. I’ll have to deal with how being a smaller size makes me feel. I’m terrified about all of it. My fear of failure is so great that I can’t even believe I’ve gotten this far, and I haven’t even really started.
It helps to know that all of you are out there.
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Twitter: blm03
says:
Can I ask a dumb question: What does “interpersonal hostility” tendencies actually mean?
I’m glad you get to talk out your issues. If you don’t, you are just going to end up in the same place you are now. You know you have a cheering squad
Just remember that when you are looking to give up or quit. We are all here to help you.
Twitter: debmomof3
says:
Oh Elizabeth… I can identify with so much of what you wrote, from the needing to lose so much weight to the fear of failure and the having been medicated so long for depression but never undergoing counseling or therapy. Lately I get so frustrated so quickly and that’s something that’s never happened to me before.
I’m glad that you’re working through things and am another proud member of your cheering squad.
You are very brave, my dear! I support your mighty endeavor and I know you’re going to succeed!
Some responses to your post:
“I’ve never had counseling or therapy”
Then, welcome to the couch! Your insurance coverage, as most insurance coverage, did not practice sensible and cost-effective medicine because –
Like Drugs, Talk Therapy Can Alter Brain Chemistry
We learn (in therapy, which is really extended learning about outselves), the brain takes it in and neurochemistry happens. The article –
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C06E1DF113CF934A1575BC0A9649C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=all
“I don’t want to be looked at as some kind of victim, I don’t want the label.”
I think Oprah, who is upfront about being a child abuse survivor, is not seen as such but rather as a triumphant leader of the world as we know it,
As someone who has been very upfront about my own experiences as a child abuse survivor, I also may be seen as a victim by some, but for most, I’m their badass middle aged pal who goes to hot yoga.
” Who am I to whine about one thing when others have suffered so much? Does that make any sense?”
In an ER where triage prioritizes a multi-injury car crash victim over the patient who accidentally stuck a bean in his ear, that makes sense. But, would you think about the mental anguish of any child that way? That one child deserves less attention or concern because of what happened to them? You would think of that child’s emotional needs as just as important as any others. Think of yourself in these terms, dollin.
I’m here for you, my friend. Sending love and the wish for you to enjoy a peaceful state of mind because you are doing the right thing.
Twitter: average_jane
says:
It sounds like you’re headed down the right path. Wishing you all the best as you make these important changes.
Twitter: momfiles
says:
Best wishes to you on your path to a healthy, happy YOU!
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Twitter: gadgetgeekgirl1
says:
Sooooo agree with Graces comment about seeing a mental health professional. I have been seeing one every 2 weeks for the last couple of years. It’s amazing how things are put into perspective when you talk it out with a professional. I have less stress and feel better about myself. I have been fortunate to have insurance that covers 35 sessions per year, but I know many professionals will work out a pay schedule if you are not covered. I would definitely check your insurance again, it’s hard to imagine any insurance nowadays would NOT cover some kind of mental health given it’s preventative qualties.
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I enjoyed this post. Great Blog. Bookmarked your blog. Keeping coming with great posts like this.
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That’s quite intresting…Any idea of any websites on this problem, as i feel i could do with some treatment like that sometimes…Be great if you could help
Hey Sis. Wanted to say good luck and I am here for you. There is no reason to weigh whatever happened to you as a child as worthy of discussion or therapy. Simply because someone in this world has gone through “worse” doesn’t mean what you went through wasn’t hard and shouldn’t need to be talked about/dealt with. If we only gave therapy to the person who’s had the worst experiences there would be 2,000,000 therapists and one patient
Love you!
Xoxoxo.
It is amazing to read the results of a seemingly child’s play questionnaire which I too answered to the best of my knowledge and irritation. The person who read my answers came up with close predictions about my overall being – both mental and physical.