Kaitlyn woke up this morning with a whimper. She came out into the living room and curled up on the couch, asking for a blanket and something to drink. I felt her forehead and she was warm, but she also sleeps under a thick comforter and is usually warm when she first wakes up, so I took her temperature. It was normal.

She continued to talk to me in a whimpery voice, which at first had me worried that she was getting sick again. She said she was okay to go to school, so I got her dressed and ready, we were standing outside in the driveway waiting for the bus when she suddenly pulled away from me and started heading back to the house.

I asked her where she was going and she said “I’m going back inside, I don’t want to go to school today.”  Uh oh. I held out my arms and motioned her back to me, pulled her in for a hug and a kiss, and asked her what was going on. “I had a bad dream”, she said. “A bad dream about school?”, I asked her, and she said yes.

I knelt down so I was looking in her eyes and I said “sweetie, I’m sorry you had a bad dream about school. Dreams are just silly pictures in your head, they aren’t real, and I promise, nothing bad is going to happen to you at school. Your bus driver keeps you safe, your teachers keep you safe, everyone is there to keep you safe.”

Please, gods, let that always be the truth.

She was crying a little, her face pressed against me, and she said “I think I should just go back inside. I just CAN’T DO IT”, and I had a flashback to 2004, having to spend the first hour of Nathan’s kindergarten day in the classroom with him, because he kept insisting he couldn’t stay by himself, he just “COULDN’T DO IT”.  In a way I’m actually glad Kaitlyn rides the bus because I have a feeling she wouldn’t have wanted me to leave today if I had been there.

It’s hard, convincing a 5 year old that they can, in fact, do it, can spend Kindergarten away from home, away from Mom and what’s comfortable.  It took a lot of fortitude for me to hug and kiss her one last time and then help her up the bus stairs. The Mom in me wanted to say “okay, sweetie, you don’t have to go to school today. You can stay home and we’ll cuddle on the couch all day”.

We Moms have to be tough, have to fight our instincts to keep our kids close, and send them off into the world.  We spend years with them so close they are practically an appendage, and then school comes and we have to spend part of the day without them close by, and let’s be honest – it’s as hard for us as it is for them. Sure, I like being able to pick what’s on TV and not have to hand over my laptop for Animal Jam, but part of me misses Kaitlyn on the couch next to me, her leg pressed against mine, her hand occasional rubbing my arm.

I feel the loss when she’s not here, and when she has a bad dream and wants to stay home, it’s so tempting to say yes. But as much as I’m the Mom who wants to keep her close, I’m also the Mom who has to let her go.

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