“I’m going to lose 80 pounds this year! That’s only 6 pounds a month, every month, no problem!”

“I’m going to quit smoking this year! I’m sure once I stop, I’ll never want another cigarette again!”

“I’m going to start exercising this year! Once I start, I’m sure I’ll get hooked and want to do it every day!”

The problem with those resolutions is that I’m not finding a secret motivation to really do any of them.   So I was thrilled when I was chosen through Inspiring Social Media to participate in the Trop50 True Resolutions campaign, celebrating the REAL reasons behind New Year’s resolutions.

A True Resolution is one that has a motivation behind it that you might not want to admit out loud. Like, you want to lose weight so your butt looks better in your jeans, which you know the cute guy you see at the coffee shop every morning is always checking out.  Or you want to start exercising so that when you go to your class reunion this summer, you can wear a cute little sundress and look a million times better than the bitchy former cheerleader who was always mean to you but now she’s just fat.

If one of your resolutions is to consume fewer calories, one delicious switch you can make is to Trop50, which offers fruit juice goodness with 50 percent less sugar and calories, and no artificial sweeteners.  I first tasted Trop50 at BlogHer and immediately fell in love with it.  It’s made with real fruit juices and sweetened with Stevia, a natural sweetener made from a plant that has no carbs or calories.  If you love orange juice, apple juice, or lemonade, you really must try Trop50. And the Pomegranate Blueberry – oh man is it good!

THE CAMPAIGN:

On their Facebook page, Trop50 True Resolutions is celebrating the real reasons behind New Year’s resolutions. Share your secret motivation behind your resolutions and you’ll earn a coupon for $1 off Trop50 for yourself and 50¢ off coupons for up to 50 of your friends.

Even though it’s supposed to be a secret, I decided to tell all my wonderful readers what my REAL resolution is this year and why. Ready?

In 2012, I want to lose 30 pounds by August 1st in order to not be sweaty at BlogHer.

At my current size, I break into a sweat when I walk fast, when it’s hot, when I’m nervous. I feel so totally gross and disgusting when I go to hug someone and I can tell my back is all sweaty. When I weighed less at previous BlogHers, I didn’t have the sweating problem. So that’s my True Resolution and my secret motivation – to not be gross and sweaty at BlogHer.

Now it’s your turn! Click the link above for the Trop50 True Resolutions Facebook page and share your secret resolution in exchange for a whole bunch of coupons! You can also follow #Trop50 and @TropicanaOJ on Twitter.  So come on and share – what’s the real motivation behind your New Year’s Resolution?!?

disclosure: I was provided with Trop50 information to share with my readers and a gift card to thank me for my time to promote.

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Well, this past summer showed me that my depression is no longer seasonal.  Things were so bad this summer that I couldn’t even blog about it, because I was just trying to get from one day to the next.  I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours a night, which I know didn’t help.  I was just angry, all the time, about everything.  The slightest thing could set me off, I was yelling, and constantly bursting into tears.  And it took me WAY too long to ask my doctor for help.

It never even occurred to me that the problem was not enough medication.  There I was, fighting with my husband every day, constantly feeling like he didn’t understand me,  to the point where I was worrying that he would move out, or ask me to, because the fighting was unbearable.  I felt like I was in quicksand and sinking fast.

I hate that now I know that all I needed to do was take more medication.

The reason I had only been taking 37.5 mg. is because when I tried taking 75, it made me feel jittery, like I was crawling out of my skin. So I told my doctor about the fighting, and the crying, and how I just felt like something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure how I would feel if I took a higher dose. I didn’t want to end up chronically disheveled and hooked on internet bingo or something. I had been taking a 24-hour extended release capsule, but my doctor had a better idea.

She switched me to tablets that last 12 hours, and suggested I try taking one 37.5 mg. tablet in the morning, and then two 37.5 mg. tablets at night before bed, with the idea that the initial jittery feeling would happen while I was already asleep, so I wouldn’t notice it.  And people, it WORKED.  In a way I never ever expected.

By the beginning of the second week of the new regimen, I realized I no longer felt anxious all the time.  Not only did I stop feeling like I was sinking into a hole I wouldn’t be able to get out of,  I felt…normal.  Like, this is what normal, non-depressed, non-anxious people feel like.

I stopped assuming that every glance and gesture from my husband was some sort of personal slight. I stopped bursting into tears because something didn’t go right when I was cooking dinner.  It was like I woke up to my own life.  And something else happened that I never would have thought I just needed more medication for -

I’m losing weight. I’ve lost my craving for fast food and junk food.  I looked it up in Google, and the chemical Serotonin which is mostly found in the body’s gastrointestinal tract, contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness. Carbohydrates also increase the body’s serotonin level. I was trying to raise my own serotonin by overeating carbs like breads and crackers and chips.  Effexor helps my body use it’s own serotonin more efficiently, which means I’m no longer craving carbs.

I’ve lost just over six pounds in two and a half weeks.  I eat regular meals, but I don’t feel like snacking at all.  We had McDonalds for dinner last night as a treat for the kids, and it didn’t even taste all that good. I ate half a hamburger and half an order of small fries and that was enough. The old me would have eaten all of it and still had a snack later.

I’m sleeping much better at night, too.  I know I’m sleeping more deeply because I’m not having weird, vivid dreams all night long, and I can actually get right up when the alarm goes off. This is huge for me.  I’m trying not to beat myself up over the fact that all I needed to do to avoid all the hell I put my family through was tell my doctor and get a higher dose of Effexor/Venlafaxine.

I’m so lucky that Chris and the kids understand that it wasn’t my fault and have forgiven me for everything. And I know that medication doesn’t solve everything, I still need to figure out how to recognize when I need to ask for help.  And I’m so grateful that this dosage of Venlafaxine is working.  I’m so grateful that I’m out of the quicksand and living a real life.

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It was a 12 week program consisting of 12 weeks of nothing but Optifast liquid shakes, bars, and soup, then it was supposed to be 12 weeks transitioning back to real food.

By week 9, I was begging them to let me eat.

The thought of taking another swallow of a shake or another bite of a bar (I had given up on the soup almost immediately, it was disgusting) made me physically ill. I started skipping meal times because I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore.

I stopped losing weight, naturally.

The clinic behaviorist told me that my problem was I didn’t NEED to lose weight. I wasn’t there because my weight was literally going to kill me sometime soon if I didn’t lose as much as possible as fast as possible. And for that reason, I wasn’t as “motivated” as other participants.

Well then.

I somehow made it to week 12. In those 12 weeks, I lost exactly 9 pounds. I went from 204 to 195 and then my weight loss stopped. Four of those nine were in the first week.

I tried to guzzle the TWELVE 8 ounce glasses of water required a day. I tried to move a whole lot more. I went to clinic meetings early so I could do the exercise circuit in the adjoining room. I sat on giant bouncy balls and tried to do sit ups, I stood on stretchy tubing and did arm curls.

My weight didn’t budge, but I wasn’t going to quit. I figured keeping off nine pounds and increasing my strength was still worth it.

And then one day while driving home from my meeting, I slammed on the brakes to avoid crashing into the idiot who had suddenly stopped right in front of me – and the brakes in the van went out.  I was in traffic going 45 miles an hour, and in order to even slow down, I had to push the pedal all the way to the floor. I drove home with the emergency blinkers on in a state of panic and fear.

As you know, the van’s brakes were completely rusted out (thanks, Michigan road salt!) and the mechanic quoted us $700 for repairs. Might as well have been a million, so we opted to sell it to a junkyard for 200 bucks and become a one vehicle family.

The coworker that Chris carpools with, his wife is also a stay at home Mom with a preschooler, so we came up with a plan: Monday Wed. and Friday, I would drive Chris to his coworker’s house and drop him off, then his coworker would drive them the rest of the way. Then, they would drive together back to his house in the evening and I would meet Chris there to drive him the rest of the way home. On Tuesday and Thursday, Chris would take the car and drive the whole way so his coworker’s wife could have a car those days.

Optifast ONLY met on Tuesday. At a time that was impossible to get to without a car, and if I didn’t already mention it, in another CITY. I couldn’t take a cab or even a bus.  Optifast was run sort of like AA or other 12 step programs, meaning we only knew each other’s first names and shared no personal info, so I had no idea if any of my fellow meeting attendees lived anywhere near me, let alone if any would be willing to pick me up and drive me there and back every week.

And so, I had to drop out of the program. The one time I was really going to stick to it, and I honestly had no choice.

The good news is, I still weigh 195, which means I’ve kept off the 9 pounds. The 9 pounds that cost me $2700 out of pocket because Blue Cross Blue Shield didn’t cover any of it. I didn’t complete the program, so therefore, it wasn’t covered.

$2700 to lose nine pounds. And still, only nine pounds of the EIGHTY I should lose to be at my optimal weight (four foot eleven, age 44, small frame, I should weigh no more than 115).  $2700 that fortunately Chris and I have, because his employer gives them a Health Savings Account for out of pocket medical expenses, which is funded every two weeks right out of Chris’ paycheck.

And so that is what happened with Optifast.

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