Archive for the ‘Welcome to my Life’ Category

  • Stupid Social Anxiety

    Friday, February 26th, 2010

    I want to be like everyone else. Or at least, I want to be the way I THINK everyone else is.

    I want to be someone that other people want to be around.

    I want people to be excited at the prospect of meeting me, of spending time with me.

    I want to be invited, included.

    I was okay right up through college. I had great friends in high school, we did everything together. College was a little trickier for me, but I got invited places, friends wanted to hang out with me.

    I didn’t realize I had a problem until I hit my mid-20s and went to work at an office for the first time.

    Everyone was nice to me, always, but no one, and I mean NO ONE, ever invited me out to lunch. Or for after work drinks.

    Sure, they would chat with me in the elevator or at my desk occasionally, everyone knew about my pregnancies, about buying my first house.

    But no one asked me to go on lunchtime walks or hit the mall after work for new shoes.

    It bugged me, a lot. I tried to reach out, make the first move myself.

    I invited a coworker from another department to lunch. We sat, we ate, we talked. *I* talked. A LOT. As usual.

    It was the only time we had lunch together, ever.

    After that, I just went down to the break room, found an empty seat, and watched Young and the Restless with everyone else. And tried not to talk. Keyword there being TRIED.

    I couldn’t be quiet as a child, either. Every parent-teacher conference, every report card said the same thing. Good student, very bright, advanced reader, but can’t be quiet. Can’t stop talking.

    Driving somewhere, my parents up front, me in the back, my sister asleep. Trying, TRYING with every fiber of my being not to talk. To just be quiet with my thoughts. Despite a sisyphean effort, I feel the words bubbling up. Must. Say. SOMETHING.

    I have no idea why I am like this. Why it is almost impossible for me to be quiet. I can’t sit through a movie without talking, without making comments to Chris or Ryan or whomever is sitting next to me.

    Last night, Nathan had a band concert. I sat next to my friend Patti, mother of Nathan’s friend Mike, whose husband Rick worked with Chris at EDS. Patti and I have always gotten along well, but she works as a nurse so we’ve only chatted briefly as I’ve dropped Nathan off at her house.

    I could not stop whispering comments to her during the band concert. I knew I was doing it, I just could not stop.

    And what started out as “hi, Elizabeth! How are you?!” turned into “okay, see you later” when the concert was over.

    All I could think of on the drive home was why couldn’t I just shut up for 30 minutes?

    What’s weird is, if I’m alone, I don’t talk to myself. I go to movies alone, restaurants alone, I sit here alone while Kaitlyn is playing in another room, and I don’t talk.

    But put someone anywhere near me, and the words start coming. And coming, and coming. Wordy wordy words.

    I think back to blog conferences and events. To the distinct lack of invitations to join anyone for dinner or go back to their room to hang out with a group. And I have to look at it from other people’s point of view – I do not shut up, I’m positive it annoys the crap out of people.

    So, what do I do? I certainly don’t want companies to stop inviting me to their events because they think I’m some kind of freak. And I don’t want other bloggers to run the other way when they see me coming…because they think I’m some kind of freak.

    I already take Venlafaxine for depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Geez Louise could I BE more messed up? I can’t take a higher dose than I already do because when I tried, it made me jump out of my skin.

    I’m afraid to tell my doctor that hey, I know you already are medicating me for anxiety, but I’m still anxious, HALP.

    All I know is, I don’t want to be this way, if there’s anything that will help. I have many fine redeeming qualities, and I hate that they are overshadowed by my incessant blabbing. I think people would like me if I could just shut up long enough!

    *sigh*. Sorry to be a bummer on a Friday, but I had to get this off my chest. Comments are open, feel free to throw your two cents at me.

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    20 Comments » Filed under: Personal, Stuff I think about, Welcome to my Life

  • Goals, Belly Bandits, and Books – Questions from Lanna

    Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

    I asked my readers for helping thinking of what to post about, and they came through! I love you guys :) So, first up are questions from my dear, longtime reader and commenter Lanna (rhymes with banana LOL), who asked:

    Did you figure out any goals for yourself for the year?
    Do you know where I can find a Belly Bandit for really cheap?
    What cute/sweet/whatever thing(s) have the boys done lately?
    Wanna come help clean and pack my house since Braxton Hicks have started kicking my butt and the other kids keep wanting to be fed and paid attention to?
    Favorite book you’re reading or recently read?

    Wow! I’m never going to have to post about having writer’s block again, I’ll just email Lanna first! Here are some answers-

    1. Goals for this year – Well, I’ve already started working on my first goal, which is to increase the number of legitimate comments I get on my posts. I am determined to help the Momblogging community rediscover commenting this year. There are SO MANY BLOGS, and only so much time each day to read them, and I know it’s hard to stop and comment. I’m going to figure out a way to not only increase the number of comments I get on this blog, but to help others increase the comments on theirs. I just have to figure out how :)

    2. I had no idea what a Belly Bandit was! Turns out it’s a fabric wrap with velcro that goes around your midsection after you give birth to help hold your tummy in. They are $65.00 new! I found Lanna one for $24.95 on eBay and emailed her the link :)

    3. The boys continue to be wonderful with their little sister, although Ryan is starting to be less interested in playing with her. Nathan likes to chase her around the house after dinner with her shrieking and giggling.  Kaitlyn recently started informing me that she is going to MARRY Nathan when she grows up, and there’s nothing I can tell her that will change her mind. Is that a girl thing? Neither of the boys talked about marrying anybody when they were four!

    4. Oh sweetie, I totally would come there and help if I could. The state you live in is just so far away from Michigan!  I hope you get some help with your little ones so you can rest up before the baby comes!

    5. Favorite book recently read – I discovered Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series this past Fall, and between checking the paperbacks out of the library and treating myself to new copies here and there, I just finished book #15.   Now I wish she would hurry up and write another book! If you haven’t read the series, I do recommend reading the books in order as much as possible. Any of the books would make sense if you hadn’t read any of the others, but there are little things that make more sense if you know what’s already happened.

    If you have read the Stephanie Plum books, tell me this – is it just me, or from the descriptions of Ranger, doesn’t he look like Benjamin Bratt? At least that’s who I picture in my head ;)

    Thanks for the questions, Lanna! I’ll tackle another set next time I get a chance, and feel free to keep asking questions in the comments!

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    12 Comments » Filed under: Welcome to my Life