Antidepressant | Table for Five

September 22, 2011 By Elizabeth

Back in March I wrote about my ongoing struggle to manage my chronic depression and anxiety and how my doctor prescribed 37.5 mg. a day of Venlafaxine, the generic form of Effexor. 37.5 mg. is the lowest dosage, and for a while, it was enough. Since I was first diagnosed with chronic depression in my 20s, my depression has always been seasonal. I needed medication from around October until around May and skip it in the summer.

Well, this past summer showed me that my depression is no longer seasonal. Things were so bad this summer that I couldn’t even blog about it, because I was just trying to get from one day to the next. I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours a night, which I know didn’t help. I was just angry, all the time, about everything. The slightest thing could set me off, I was yelling, and constantly bursting into tears. And it took me WAY too long to ask my doctor for help.

It never even occurred to me that the problem was not enough medication. There I was, fighting with my husband every day, constantly feeling like he didn’t understand me, to the point where I was worrying that he would move out, or ask me to, because the fighting was unbearable. I felt like I was in quicksand and sinking fast.

I hate that now I know that all I needed to do was take more medication.

The reason I had only been taking 37.5 mg. is because when I tried taking 75, it made me feel jittery, like I was crawling out of my skin. So I told my doctor about the fighting, and the crying, and how I just felt like something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure how I would feel if I took a higher dose. I didn’t want to end up chronically disheveled and hooked on internet bingo or something. I had been taking a 24-hour extended release capsule, but my doctor had a better idea.

She switched me to tablets that last 12 hours, and suggested I try taking one 37.5 mg. tablet in the morning, and then two 37.5 mg. tablets at night before bed, with the idea that the initial jittery feeling would happen while I was already asleep, so I wouldn’t notice it. And people, it WORKED. In a way I never ever expected.

By the beginning of the second week of the new regimen, I realized I no longer felt anxious all the time. Not only did I stop feeling like I was sinking into a hole I wouldn’t be able to get out of, I felt…normal. Like, this is what normal, non-depressed, non-anxious people feel like.

I stopped assuming that every glance and gesture from my husband was some sort of personal slight. I stopped bursting into tears because something didn’t go right when I was cooking dinner. It was like I woke up to my own life. And something else happened that I never would have thought I just needed more medication for -

I’m losing weight. I’ve lost my craving for fast food and junk food. I looked it up in Google, and the chemical Serotonin which is mostly found in the body’s gastrointestinal tract, contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness. Carbohydrates also increase the body’s serotonin level. I was trying to raise my own serotonin by overeating carbs like breads and crackers and chips. Effexor helps my body use it’s own serotonin more efficiently, which means I’m no longer craving carbs.

I’ve lost just over six pounds in two and a half weeks. I eat regular meals, but I don’t feel like snacking at all. We had McDonalds for dinner last night as a treat for the kids, and it didn’t even taste all that good. I ate half a hamburger and half an order of small fries and that was enough. The old me would have eaten all of it and still had a snack later.

I’m sleeping much better at night, too. I know I’m sleeping more deeply because I’m not having weird, vivid dreams all night long, and I can actually get right up when the alarm goes off. This is huge for me. I’m trying not to beat myself up over the fact that all I needed to do to avoid all the hell I put my family through was tell my doctor and get a higher dose of Effexor/Venlafaxine.

I’m so lucky that Chris and the kids understand that it wasn’t my fault and have forgiven me for everything. And I know that medication doesn’t solve everything, I still need to figure out how to recognize when I need to ask for help. And I’m so grateful that this dosage of Venlafaxine is working. I’m so grateful that I’m out of the quicksand and living a real life.

From clouds to sun to clouds again

November 19, 2009 By Elizabeth

Two weeks ago, I pulled myself out of the darkest place I had been in a long, long time, and called my doctor’s office for an appointment. I told first the nurse and then the doctor the same story-what I was feeling wasn’t my usual seasonal depression. I couldn’t sleep, or I slept too much. I was irritated by everything and everyone, all the time. And worst of all, for two weeks out of each of the previous three months, I had experienced PMS like nothing I had ever felt. I needed help.

Instead of re-prescribing Wellbutrin and Lexapro, she prescribed Venlafaxine, a generic form of the antidepressant Effexor. That way, I would only have to take one pill once a day instead of two in the morning and one in the afternoon. She handed me a sample pack with seven 37.5 mg. pills and seven 75 mg. pills, and wrote me a prescription for six months of the 75 mg. dose.

The next morning, I took the first 37.5 mg. dose, and the next day and the next. By that third day, I realized that I felt, well, GOOD. I felt happy, and for me to feel happy for no reason is rare. I felt like getting off the couch and tackling cleaning projects, like taking Kaitlyn shopping, like getting dinner on the table by the time Chris got home. I felt AMAZING on that 37.5 mg. dose.

Then I started the second week at the 75 mg. dose. The first day, I noticed I was tired, yawning a lot. I’ve had an inconsistent sleeping schedule for years, so it’s not unusual for me to be tired during the day. The next day, I was still tired. By the third day, I was tired AND I felt irritated. I stopped wanting to get off the couch. It was like the cloud came back, and there was nothing I could do.

Last night, we took Kaitlyn out to eat for her birthday, then stopped at Macy’s to buy Chris a pair of pants. I had what I thought was a $50 gift card sent to me for hosting a giveaway. Kaitlyn would not behave in the store, she was running behind racks of clothes and then jumping out and yelling BOO! for some reason. Near where Chris was looking at pants, a lady was putting security tags on a rack of leather coats, and each tag had an alarm that she apparently had to test to make sure it worked. So, over and over, I was hearing this high-pitched screeching. Kaitlyn wasn’t behaving, high-pitched screeching, Ryan was whining because he had homework to finish which he should have done after school instead of waiting until after dinner, oh, and at dinner, I was trying to take pictures but Nathan kept making faces and it was pissing me off.

Then I got to the register with Chris’ pants and a package of white tube socks for Ryan, well within the $50 limit of the gift card. The lady rings everything up and I hear her say something about $14.22. I thought she was telling me that’s how much was left on the gift card, so I just stood there, waiting for her to hand me back the card. She said it again, $14.22. I said great, I can buy a little something for myself- wait a minute, what?

What she was saying was that I OWED $14.22. And in a flash I realized what had happened. The giveaway sponsor had sent me two gift cards- a $50 one for me, and a $25 one for the giveaway winner. There was nothing written on the outside of either card to indicate which was which. When I went to mail the card to the winner, I just grabbed one without remembering to check the balance.

I sent the giveaway winner the $50 card. Which meant that not only did I pay out of pocket to mail her the card (I stuck it in a little box and paid for package tracking so I could be sure it would get there, $20.00), but it cost me $14.00 for a package of freaking SOCKS (what is up with that, Macy’s?). That was pretty much the last straw for me.

Out in the parking lot, I started griping about messing up the gift cards, and how we had just spent $56.00 on dinner out, and now there went another $14.00, and Chris had just been paid that morning and we hadn’t even paid bills yet, and I was just stuck in this emotional place I couldn’t get out of. Chris gave me a hug, and then said “maybe you should go back to that 37.5 mg. dose of that medication, it was working a lot better for you”. And I LOST IT. We got into a stupid fight right there in the car, right in front of the kids.

When we got home, Chris let the kids into the house while I sat in the car, then he came back out and we sat in the car to talk. He told me that I wasn’t seeing how I was acting, but that my moods were swinging all over the place and that it was affecting everyone. There was more talking, and long story short, this morning I called the doctor’s office and left her a message that 75 mg. of this medication is making me WORSE than I was before it, and that I needed some help. I’m waiting to hear back on what she wants me to do.

I just want to feel happy again. I liked who I was when I was happy.