As part of the pre-Optifast testing I went through, I had an hour and a half consult with a behaviorist named Richard. I forgot to ask him if he was a psychiatrist or a psychologist, googling the word behaviorist made it seem like it could be either. Before the appointment I filled out a 12-question questionnaire, so he had that, plus the 15 other pages I filled out about my perssonal, medical, fitness, and weight loss history.

The questions I answered were about my mood over the seven days previous, and I had to say whether they had been less likely, more likely, or extremely likely to occur. Questions like “I felt irritated at my family and friends”, “I felt hopeless”, “I found myself getting angry easily”. Of the 12 questions, I answered that four of them had been “extremely likely” to occur. I don’t even remember which four, although I’m happy to say I answered “less likely” to the feeling hopeless one.

What amazed me is that from my answers to those questions plus a couple he picked out from the 15 other pages, Richard was able to pretty much figure me out exactly. He knew, even though it wasn’t a specific question, that my Dad had been emotionally distant and wasn’t home much while I was growing up. He knew that the beginning of my weight gain coincided with my moving out of my parent’s house, that I felt like I had to grow up too fast. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t for him to figure me out that precisely.

He said I was a perfectionist, compulsive, and have “interpersonal hostility” tendencies. He’s not wrong.

Despite being treated for chronic depression since my mid-20s, I’ve never had counseling or therapy. Insurance doesn’t cover it, and I always felt like nothing I had been through was really that big of a deal that it needed professional help to get through. According to Richard, I’m wrong about that. Twice during our session he suggested a find a counselor and get some help to work through some issues. Imagine my surprise at hearing that.

The thing is, there was something that happened to me when I was a child that I’ve always known has affected me throughout my life. I’ve never written about it here because I…well…I don’t know. I don’t want to be looked at as some kind of victim, I don’t want the label. I feel guilty because there are people who have been through truly horrible things as children, and my tiny, one-time-only thing seems so insignificant compared to that. Who am I to whine about one thing when others have suffered so much?

Does that make any sense?

Here’s the thing about the session with Richard that also surprised me – as I sat there walking him through my life from childhood to now, telling him all my deepest secrets, I felt better. He said things like “I’m so sorry” and “you were right to do that” and “that must have been so hard for you”. I never knew how good it would feel to have a professional hear me out and let me know that it’s okay to feel bad about the mistakes I’ve made, and that I can overcome them.

That I do not have to be defined by who I was.  That I can start from right now and be better.

I have a long, long way to go, people. I have at least 65 pounds of fat to lose in order to just be “overweight” and not “extremely obsese”.  I’ll have to confront my feelings about food, and hunger, and comfort. I’ll have to deal with how being a smaller size makes me feel.  I’m terrified about all of it. My fear of failure is so great that I can’t even believe I’ve gotten this far, and I haven’t even really started.

It helps to know that all of you are out there.