Struggling….

Something still isn’t right. I spend every day trying to figure out what to do. It’s like there’s this other life I’m supposed to be living, so that almost every aspect of my actual life feels wrong somehow. 

It’s like life is a giant shape-sorter and all the holes are shaped like squares, but all I have are triangle blocks, so every day I’m looking at the square holes and trying to figure out how to make the triangle blocks fit. And wondering how come it seems like everyone else has the square blocks.

So that’s why I haven’t been blogging. How can this be a blog where I write about what my life is like, when I’m so ashamed of it?  Once again it comes down to Table for Five being a “brand”, and not just being afraid of losing the advertisers that pay me money that we need like you can’t believe, but not wanting to, I don’t know, spoil what I’ve worked so hard on for these last seven years.

I’ve been self-medicating my pain. I’m not going to get into specifics, and I’m not in any danger, I swear, but I’m also making some really crappy choices.  My sleeping schedule is so screwed up that even spending the last week taking no mid-day nap at all still left me lying awake staring at the ceiling until 2:30 or 3:00 am every night.

I’ve lost my patience for everything. I hate my messy house, I hate meal planning and grocery shopping and actually getting the food on the table. I hate when I’m exhausted and Kaitlyn wants me to play with her and I’m grumpy about it. I hate getting up every morning and tripping over laundry baskets and toys.  It doesn’t matter how much I clean because it just gets messed up again anyway.

How do I find joy? How do I get myself out of this vicious cycle I feel stuck in?  If anyone has any personal experience they wouldn’t mind sharing, I’d sure appreciate it. And spammers? This is not the post to even try to sneak in your links.  Your Mom did not name you ‘london carparks’ or ‘best seo practices’ or whatever, so just don’t even try this time. I have no patience for you at all.

Geez, January, What Did I Do To You?

If the past eight days are indicative of what the rest of 2012 is going to be like, I might be looking at one tough year. I’m just getting over a bad cold and now I have a bladder infection or a UTI or something.  I had the doctor on call paged and she says to go to Urgent Care, which is exactly what I want to be doing today. Yippee.

Meanwhile, Chris found out late Friday afternoon that he has to go to California tomorrow and be gone until Thursday.  So I get to deal with the bladder thing AND the kids and the house and everything by myself.  Fun.

Chris is in a bad mood, too, probably because all I’ve been doing for the last eight days is sleeping and blowing my nose and now, running to the bathroom every five minutes, which isn’t exactly putting me in the mood for sexy time, if you know what I mean.

Guess I have to go pee in a cup for a strange doctor now.  I just really hope that January and the rest of 2012 are going to be better than these last eight days or else I may just go into hibernation and come out when it’s 2013. If the world hasn’t ended, that is.

Why I Didn’t Finish Optifast

A reader asked on Facebook whatever happened to me and the Optifast program.

It was a 12 week program consisting of 12 weeks of nothing but Optifast liquid shakes, bars, and soup, then it was supposed to be 12 weeks transitioning back to real food.

By week 9, I was begging them to let me eat.

The thought of taking another swallow of a shake or another bite of a bar (I had given up on the soup almost immediately, it was disgusting) made me physically ill. I started skipping meal times because I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore.

I stopped losing weight, naturally.

The clinic behaviorist told me that my problem was I didn’t NEED to lose weight. I wasn’t there because my weight was literally going to kill me sometime soon if I didn’t lose as much as possible as fast as possible. And for that reason, I wasn’t as “motivated” as other participants.

Well then.

I somehow made it to week 12. In those 12 weeks, I lost exactly 9 pounds. I went from 204 to 195 and then my weight loss stopped. Four of those nine were in the first week.

I tried to guzzle the TWELVE 8 ounce glasses of water required a day. I tried to move a whole lot more. I went to clinic meetings early so I could do the exercise circuit in the adjoining room. I sat on giant bouncy balls and tried to do sit ups, I stood on stretchy tubing and did arm curls.

My weight didn’t budge, but I wasn’t going to quit. I figured keeping off nine pounds and increasing my strength was still worth it.

And then one day while driving home from my meeting, I slammed on the brakes to avoid crashing into the idiot who had suddenly stopped right in front of me – and the brakes in the van went out.  I was in traffic going 45 miles an hour, and in order to even slow down, I had to push the pedal all the way to the floor. I drove home with the emergency blinkers on in a state of panic and fear.

As you know, the van’s brakes were completely rusted out (thanks, Michigan road salt!) and the mechanic quoted us $700 for repairs. Might as well have been a million, so we opted to sell it to a junkyard for 200 bucks and become a one vehicle family.

The coworker that Chris carpools with, his wife is also a stay at home Mom with a preschooler, so we came up with a plan: Monday Wed. and Friday, I would drive Chris to his coworker’s house and drop him off, then his coworker would drive them the rest of the way. Then, they would drive together back to his house in the evening and I would meet Chris there to drive him the rest of the way home. On Tuesday and Thursday, Chris would take the car and drive the whole way so his coworker’s wife could have a car those days.

Optifast ONLY met on Tuesday. At a time that was impossible to get to without a car, and if I didn’t already mention it, in another CITY. I couldn’t take a cab or even a bus.  Optifast was run sort of like AA or other 12 step programs, meaning we only knew each other’s first names and shared no personal info, so I had no idea if any of my fellow meeting attendees lived anywhere near me, let alone if any would be willing to pick me up and drive me there and back every week.

And so, I had to drop out of the program. The one time I was really going to stick to it, and I honestly had no choice.

The good news is, I still weigh 195, which means I’ve kept off the 9 pounds. The 9 pounds that cost me $2700 out of pocket because Blue Cross Blue Shield didn’t cover any of it. I didn’t complete the program, so therefore, it wasn’t covered.

$2700 to lose nine pounds. And still, only nine pounds of the EIGHTY I should lose to be at my optimal weight (four foot eleven, age 44, small frame, I should weigh no more than 115).  $2700 that fortunately Chris and I have, because his employer gives them a Health Savings Account for out of pocket medical expenses, which is funded every two weeks right out of Chris’ paycheck.

And so that is what happened with Optifast.