Something still isn’t right. I spend every day trying to figure out what to do. It’s like there’s this other life I’m supposed to be living, so that almost every aspect of my actual life feels wrong somehow. 

It’s like life is a giant shape-sorter and all the holes are shaped like squares, but all I have are triangle blocks, so every day I’m looking at the square holes and trying to figure out how to make the triangle blocks fit. And wondering how come it seems like everyone else has the square blocks.

So that’s why I haven’t been blogging. How can this be a blog where I write about what my life is like, when I’m so ashamed of it?  Once again it comes down to Table for Five being a “brand”, and not just being afraid of losing the advertisers that pay me money that we need like you can’t believe, but not wanting to, I don’t know, spoil what I’ve worked so hard on for these last seven years.

I’ve been self-medicating my pain. I’m not going to get into specifics, and I’m not in any danger, I swear, but I’m also making some really crappy choices.  My sleeping schedule is so screwed up that even spending the last week taking no mid-day nap at all still left me lying awake staring at the ceiling until 2:30 or 3:00 am every night.

I’ve lost my patience for everything. I hate my messy house, I hate meal planning and grocery shopping and actually getting the food on the table. I hate when I’m exhausted and Kaitlyn wants me to play with her and I’m grumpy about it. I hate getting up every morning and tripping over laundry baskets and toys.  It doesn’t matter how much I clean because it just gets messed up again anyway.

How do I find joy? How do I get myself out of this vicious cycle I feel stuck in?  If anyone has any personal experience they wouldn’t mind sharing, I’d sure appreciate it. And spammers? This is not the post to even try to sneak in your links.  Your Mom did not name you ‘london carparks’ or ‘best seo practices’ or whatever, so just don’t even try this time. I have no patience for you at all.