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What’s New In The Edwards House April 2013

April 9, 2013 · by · 2 Comments
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So…hi. I’m still here, but I’m like a bear coming out of hibernation. I know there’s a world out there, it’s just taking me a while to reacclimate myself to it. Last year was harder on me than I realized, especially where this poor blog was concerned. I couldn’t blog the problems Chris and I were having as they were happening because the feelings were so raw, I was afraid I would post something hurtful while angry and make things worse.

The good news is, 2012 became the year that we DIDN’T get divorced, and the beginning of 2013 was when we began to heal. We are closer than ever, more in love than ever, which doesn’t even seem possible considering we’ve been together since 1985 – that’s 28 years this summer.

Getting ourselves through last year required us both to be more honest than ever, admitting more mistakes than ever, apologizing and hugging and crying our way through. To say that I feel lucky to have him is such an understatement. My mind still boggles over how many different events had to occur for us to even meet that first time, let alone end up falling in love and realizing we were soulmates.

Cheesy, I know, but when you’ve bared the very bottom of your soul to someone and they still love you anyway, what else can you call it?

Besides being completely in love, I’m also happy to report that my kids are being terrific. Well, mostly, Kaitlyn is 7 and still prone to tantrums, but then she makes up for it by doing things like what I just shared on Facebook:

Kaitlyn brought me a sealed envelope with Mom on it, and a “stamp” drawn in the corner (squiggly oval with a heart inside). She had a clipboard with a piece of paper that said “Sign Here – Full Names Please” and then lines for our signatures. Then I opened the envelope and read her letter to me. I have the BEST KID IN THE WORLD.

letter from child to parent

It says “Dear Mom, You make me smile real big. I like your hair short. I like you just the way you are. Love, Kaitlyn.

I was overcome when I read it. I hugged her tight and told her that her letter made my heart feel super happy. She said, “did it get bigger?” And I said of course. At least three times bigger :)  Her letter to Chris thanked him for playing games with her and for letting her cuddle on his lap, which makes her feel “extra warm and cozy”.

 

Ryan is…Ryan. He’s just a chill 16 year old guy. He helps out around the house and with Kaitlyn, gets straight As at school, continues to be best friends with Nathan – you should hear them. They talktalktalktalk all day and night long to each other. They are 26 months apart but you’d think they were twins the way they get along. Half the time they are talking about the web comic they both read (Homestuck, more on that in a minute) or the online game they both play, and I have no idea what they are even saying! Here’s Ryan helping Kaitlyn dye Easter eggs:

 

Nathan is 14 now, starting to grow a beard – because OF COURSE HE IS, every male in my house must have as much facial hair as possible apparently – and is becoming a really cool dude. He went by himself to the Lansing Center for Shuto Con, our annual anime convention, and spent two days hanging out with kids he met on Tumblr. He came home riding that same high that I have when I get back from BlogHer, that exuberance over being with one’s Tribe, being understand and accepted.

Plus a girl let him smooch her on the cheek :)

So that’s what’s going on here. How are all of you? I promise I’ll be better about visiting and commenting, because I want my regular readers to think of me as a friend, I mean it. I’m here for you, if you’re here for me, simple as that. Thanks for stopping by everybody!!

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What I’m Thinking About Today: My Goals for 2013

February 11, 2013 · by · 40 Comments
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I know it’s already February and you’re supposed to make your New Year’s Resolutions on, you know, New Year’s and whatever, but I’m giving myself a pass because January was just not a pleasant month around here.

photo a3e3700f-a84d-4034-bd72-1c545b2de099.jpg

Despite having both lived in Michigan our whole lives, and knowing exactly what January’s weather is like, Chris and I are still never prepared when January’s wall of sickness hits us. It usually starts with one of the kids sniffling and claiming to “not feel good”, and ends with either Chris or I (or sometimes both of us) practically bedridden with evil colds. I can’t remember the last time I went somewhere to celebrate my birthday (Jan. 30) because I am almost always sick that day.

 

The sickness monster worked it’s way through us all and then left, leaving us looking at the calendar wondering where the heck January went, but not sorry to see it go. And now it’s February and it’s about time I committed to my goals for the year in writing.

 

I spent 2012 working on my marriage and my relationship with my kids. It’s just that simple. Chris and I found ourselves early in 2012 having the worst crisis of our relationship – and we’ve been together since 1985 – and it took enormous amounts of energy and time to work ourselves back from the ledge. For months I didn’t sleep on a regular schedule, some nights I collapsed at 9:00 and stayed in bed until morning, and some nights I kept waiting to feel sleepy until the sun came up, the kids went to school, Chris went to work, and I slept the entire day away.

 

And Some nights I stay(ed) up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call(ed) it a draw
Some nights I wish(ed) that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish(ed) they’d just fall off

 

Oh come on, like I could use the phrase “some nights” that many times in a paragraph and NOT get the song by fun. stuck in my head? A song I already love so much that I wish I could meet Nate Ruess even just for a minute, so I can be one of those annoying fans that just HAS to tell him how much his song MEANS to me, how much those opening lyrics hit me right where I live, man. Plus he’s adorable and I’d have to give him a smooch on the cheek. He looks like the love child of Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg, right?

Nate Ruess Fun. table for five

But I digress.

 

So anyway, I spent 2012 not getting divorced, and I realize that my blogs suffered for it. The problem is, and many of you reading this have talked to me about it on Facebook, is that the kind of blogger I used to be is not the kind of blogger I want to be now. Personal blogging is still very much a thing, I can name you a dozen bloggers who have this seemingly magical ability to write every single day about their kids and their feelings about parenting, in long beautiful paragraphs. I just don’t really have enough to say on that topic to fill up a blog anymore.

 

We’re just….boring. I can’t post artfully arranged photos of my perfectly dressed kids playing, because two of them are teenagers with less than zero interest in being photographed, and one is a 7 year old who regularly looks like she dressed herself and combed her own hair – because she did.

 

I don’t make crafts. I don’t make cake pops or birthday party invitations or bento lunches. I don’t turn thrift store furniture into amazing play kitchens, or stitch up my own “super quick and easy!” curtains. What I do is get through every day, one day at a time, and try not to screw up my kids too badly with my issues.

 

But let’s be honest here – do you really want to come here every time there’s a new post to read about how I slept 10 hours, played some games on my tablet, smoked too many cigarettes, watched too much TV, and then collapsed in bed? That’s certainly not what I intended when I started this blog!

 

So that’s what’s happening over here, guys. I know I have at least some writing talent. I can put words together in sentences that make sense at least. I’ve been at this since 2005 and am making less money now than I did the first year I made anything. I WANT to have a fantastic blog that you want to read. I just don’t know how right now. Which means it’s brain dumps for me until I can figure out something I’m actually good at that people want to read.

 

A blogger who started about the same time as me, but who also posts almost every day, made over $50,000 from her blog last year. You know how much I made? So little that not one single client had to send me a 1099. And now we are 2 months behind on our mortgage and a month behind on all our other bills, and if we don’t have to file bankruptcy AGAIN it will be a miracle. I’m scared, guys. I’m scared that I left my job at the credit union 14 years ago to be a stay at home Mom and ended up making our lives worse.

 

Maybe this is my new blog. Long brain dump posts about how horrible every thing is. I’m sure that will get me tons of readers and advertisers and paying jobs. Gah. The end.

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Musings on a Monday

October 1, 2012 · by · 2 Comments
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Hey friends, how was your weekend? Last week felt like it just crawled by, and then the weekend seemed to end before it started. We spent Saturday doing what we do every week – decrapifying our living room. We accumulate ridiculous amounts of crap over the course of the week, like junk mail and the countless papers Kaitlyn brings home from school – look Mama, I made a row of “T”s, look Mama, I got a star on my math paper. I appreciate that teachers want us to see what’s she’s doing in school, but the amount of paper is ridiculous. And recyclable :)

Chris also helped Kaitlyn pick up and re-dress all of her American Girl and similar-sized dolls, and I finally learned why little girls are always taking the clothes off their dolls and leaving them naked. According to Kaitlyn, if she’s making up a game or story and the doll doesn’t have the RIGHT OUTFIT, the one it does have needs to come off. I mean come on, who wears their best party dress to bed, right? I’m also happy we have this big plastic tub/basket thing that all the dolls fit right into. Geez, that Fancy Nancy doll at the front left of the tub? I reviewed that on MomReviews and hosted a giveaway back in 2008! I’m happy that Kaitlyn is so careful with her dolls.

Kaitlyn dolls American Girl Fancy Nancy Our Generation Table for Five

 

My dog has been acting strange lately, it has me a little worried. He’s always been high-strung thanks to being raised literally in the middle of nowhere by my MIL, before we took him in shortly before her passing in 2006.  He has always been overly attached to me, following me from room to room and even trying to get into the bathroom with me, but lately he’s seemed, well, upset or something. And then on Saturday I made tuna salad and put some of the tuna juice in little bowls for him and the cat like I always do, but when I called him to come and get it, he wouldn’t move. So I walked up to him patting my leg, saying “come on, Elvis”, and he still wouldn’t move. So I reached out to pet him and he ran into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, shaking. I have no idea what was going on in his doggy head!  Kaitlyn, being the little nurturer that she is, decided he looked “cold” last night, so she did this, and Elvis just laid there. He’s eating normally, going potty normally, so I think he’s fine. Just a little spoiled, maybe.

My dog Elvis Table for Five

 

 

Tomorrow is Ryan’s 16th birthday! I couldn’t believe it when he told me that all he wants for his birthday is $15 to contribute to a Kickstarter Fund. Seriously!  There’s this web comic he follows and practically lives for called Homestuck, and the Kickstarter Fund is to get a video game made based on the movie – in two years! And THAT’S what my son wants for his 16th birthday. As for driving, he is completely not interested. So at least we aren’t thousands of a dollars for a car :P   Who’s got two thumbs and is a completely awesome person? THIS GUY!

So, that’s what’s going on around here. How are all of you?

 

 

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Friday Fives 6-22-12: Five Things About Me

June 22, 2012 · by · 8 Comments
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Welcome to Friday Fives, the weekly meme where I post a list of five anythings! This week, I’m thinking about things that new readers might not know about me.  Feel free to play along with Friday Fives by posting your own list on your blog, on your Facebook wall, your Google + stream, on Twitter – or even by leaving your list in my comments!

friday fives meme on table for five

FIVE THINGS ABOUT ME:

1.  I was adopted when I was 16 months old, from foster care. My biological mother had a stroke shortly after my birth and passed away, leaving my biological father with five girls. I have a scrapbook my foster mother kept that shows I was very happy with her. My parents adopted three children altogether – my sister Martha in 1964 when she was 4 weeks old, then me in 1968, and then my brother Steve in 1974, he was 10.

2.  Because I was always singing as a toddler, my Mom convinced a piano teacher to take me on as a student when I was 3.  I played the piano and took weekly lessons until I was 16.  I played the Oboe from 6th grade until the end of Senior Year,  and the flute just for Freshman year.  I miss having a piano and wish like crazy that we could afford one.

3. I am superstitious about two things: 1. if I spill salt or even just knock over the salt shaker, I pick up a pinch of it between my fingers and toss it over my left shoulder. 2. I always, ALWAYS put my left shoe on first. If someone hands me my right shoe, I wait until they hand me the left one and then put that one on first.  I have no idea why I do either one of those things!

4. I’ve been to Venezuela, which I was privileged to visit my Senior Year of high school when our Orchestra teacher arranged a concert tour that included staying with host families in Caracas, rehearsing and performing with the local High School’s Orchestra, visiting an exclusive country club for a day of swimming, traveling to an English-language high school for a performance, taking the visitor’s tour of their version of the White House, and finally, performing for the First Lady of Venezuela. It was an experience I’ll never forget!

5. I also spent 5 weeks in London getting a couple of credits towards my Bachelor’s at MSU as part of their Overseas Study program. Part of the program was an optional weekend trip to Scotland, which included an overnight stay at a college in Glasgow and a day exploring Edinburgh.  A bunch of us also traveled to Stonehenge, and our professor took us to Stratford for the day. It was five amazing weeks of hand-writing two page papers for credit and visiting every touristy place London has. I loved it!

 

Okay, so that’s five things off the top of my head about me. Tell me something about you! Ready, set, Comment!

 

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Struggling….

May 5, 2012 · by · 17 Comments
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Something still isn’t right. I spend every day trying to figure out what to do. It’s like there’s this other life I’m supposed to be living, so that almost every aspect of my actual life feels wrong somehow. 

It’s like life is a giant shape-sorter and all the holes are shaped like squares, but all I have are triangle blocks, so every day I’m looking at the square holes and trying to figure out how to make the triangle blocks fit. And wondering how come it seems like everyone else has the square blocks.

So that’s why I haven’t been blogging. How can this be a blog where I write about what my life is like, when I’m so ashamed of it?  Once again it comes down to Table for Five being a “brand”, and not just being afraid of losing the advertisers that pay me money that we need like you can’t believe, but not wanting to, I don’t know, spoil what I’ve worked so hard on for these last seven years.

I’ve been self-medicating my pain. I’m not going to get into specifics, and I’m not in any danger, I swear, but I’m also making some really crappy choices.  My sleeping schedule is so screwed up that even spending the last week taking no mid-day nap at all still left me lying awake staring at the ceiling until 2:30 or 3:00 am every night.

I’ve lost my patience for everything. I hate my messy house, I hate meal planning and grocery shopping and actually getting the food on the table. I hate when I’m exhausted and Kaitlyn wants me to play with her and I’m grumpy about it. I hate getting up every morning and tripping over laundry baskets and toys.  It doesn’t matter how much I clean because it just gets messed up again anyway.

How do I find joy? How do I get myself out of this vicious cycle I feel stuck in?  If anyone has any personal experience they wouldn’t mind sharing, I’d sure appreciate it. And spammers? This is not the post to even try to sneak in your links.  Your Mom did not name you ‘london carparks’ or ‘best seo practices’ or whatever, so just don’t even try this time. I have no patience for you at all.

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Friendly Friday 6-17-11

June 17, 2011 · by · 6 Comments
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Welcome to Friendly Friday, the weekly celebration hosted by Xenia at Thanks, Mail Carrier, Christi at Frugal Novice and Charla at Healthy Home Blog! It’s a great way to get new followers to your blog, say hello to your blog friends, and make new ones!

To join in the Friendly Friday celebration,go to any of the three blogs listed above , follow the hostesses in the first 3 spots and then start blog hopping! Visit other blogs on the list and comment to give them some blog love. Then take a minute to follow them through Google Friend Connect – this is a good way to keep up with other blogs, but also lets us show support to each other! Please DO NOT list your giveaways here, links must be to either your homepage or your Friday posting with your blog title. All others will be deleted.

When people comment on your blog and let you know they’re a part of Friendly Friday, return the favor and follow them back. This way everyone gets traffic and followers out of participating, and it’s a win-win situation. Feel free to right-click on and save the Friendly Friday button and post it on your blog and/or in a post – the more bloggers that find out about Friendly Friday and participate, the better!

Remember, YOU can host the link list on your blog, too! Just get the InLinkz code from the posts on any of the three hostess blogs and copy it directly into your post. The code is different every week, so be sure to get the new code when hosting Friendly Friday on your blog. Hosting the list is a great way to get even more traffic to your blog and make Friendly Friday more beneficial for everyone.

Happy Friday everybody! In addition to Father’s Day, this Sunday is also my 18th wedding anniversary! Of course, Chris and I have no money to really celebrate either one :P We’re going to the movies tonight to see “Super 8″ and that will be our celebration for both occasions. Which is fine with us since we haven’t been to a movie in ages.

Yesterday I wrote about how awesome my kids are and how well they all did this school year. If you haven’t read it, I’d love it if you did! I’m also way overdue for posting new reviews and giveaways on MomReviews so watch for those too. Hope everybody has a great weekend!

Thanks for stopping by today – don’t forget to follow me on Google Friend Connect and please leave your link in the linky list below!



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Kaitlyn Breaking Styrofoam Sheets Over Her Knee

April 14, 2011 · by · 5 Comments
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Every couple of weeks we take the styrofoam that comes in products I get for review and go to Dart Container to recycle them. Conveniently, Dart is located just a few blocks from the house where Chris’ carpool coworker lives.  The last time we went, Nathan used his Tae Kwon Do skills to break some of the styrofoam sheets over his knee.

Then, this past Saturday we loaded up the van for another trip to Dart, and Ryan came running in to tell me to grab the camera because Kaitlyn was breaking styrofoam sheets over HER knee. Well, that sounded like blogging gold right there, so out with the camera I went. Take a look!

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The Right Words Don’t Belong Here

February 28, 2011 · by · 23 Comments
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Diary

Image by Barnaby via Flickr

I wish I could put what is in my head into words. I wish I could unburden myself, pour it all out of myself in a thick stream, and have something that makes any kind of sense come out.  This blog was started as a personal diary, but back then, there was no Twitter or Facebook. I didn’t know about Google, about each individual post being it’s own search result. I didn’t know how not private a blog is.

Unless I were to password-protect this blog, there’s no way to make what I write here private. There’s no way I can use this space as a place to write about what’s really happening in my life, because it’s not really personal anymore. Table for Five is a brand, an entity with a life of it’s own. But all I want to do right now is write, unburden, purge.

The problem with blogging as a job is that any other kind of blogging besides the kind that furthers business goals feels like cheating. I need 5 or 6 hours a day MINIMUM to make even a small dent in my email and update my three blogs.  The problem is, the place I’m in right now in my head, I’d rather spend that 5 or 6 hours a day on denial and avoidance and trying to shake it off so I can move forward.

I realize how cryptic I’m being here, which is exactly the problem.

There’s a lot going on in my life right now. I feel just a little bit like my arms and legs have each been tied to a separate horse, and someone’s about to crack a whip and yell GO.   I can’t deal with all the broken things but I can’t figure out how to fix them all, either.   I’ve completely given up on expectations of perfection, now I would settle for just okay most days.

And now comes the part where I admit just how lame I am – one of the reasons I don’t just start a private blog is because I would hope for comments on my posts. *hangs head in shame*  Yes, it’s true. Even if I were blogging about my personal problems, I would still hope for a few friendly, supportive comments once in a while. Maybe someone would read something they could relate to, something they’ve been through themselves, and would have a comment that would make me feel better.

Is that wrong?

So that’s where I am right now.  It’s so hard for me to focus on any one thing that I can’t focus on anything. My head is a swirling pool of unfocused thoughts and plans. I’ve used more similes and metaphors in this post than I can count, because I don’t know how else to explain anything.  I just wanted to write something here, so that some day maybe I can look back and say that I tried to explain it, without actually, um, explaining anything at all.

Damn it.

It’s supremely weird that I’m basically telling all of you that I have stuff to blog about that I don’t want to post here, but I don’t want it to be private, so if you wanted to, you know, read my Ode to Unburdening, you would have to ask me for the URL to the blog, which is you admitting that you would be fascinated by my internal turmoil, and me admitting that I would want to open myself up like I never have before, expose all kinds of ugliness, knowing that people who were likely to share an elevator with me at BlogHer would be reading it.

Blogging is really weird sometimes, you know?

It’s because I have this blog that I haven’t just gone and buried my head in the proverbial sand and disappeared. It’s bad enough that there are huge gaps where I wrote almost nothing personal at all, during my year of making badly-needed money but losing almost everyone who originally read this blog and who also, probably not coincidentally, moved on to bigger and better things while I stood back at the starting line yelling wait, what about me?

Issues, much?

The issues I have right now could fill a book. A THICK book. If I started from the beginning, if I broke my life down for you into manageable chunks and told you what I’ve done, where I’ve been, and how messed up things are now, you would probably give me a wide berth on that BlogHer elevator. Or maybe you wouldn’t, I don’t know. I hate being this fucking passive-aggressive.  So, I’m going to stop now and hit publish, and go take a two hour nap while Kaitlyn takes hers, and maybe when I wake up, everything will feel a little better. Sorry to go all Emo on you.

 

 

 

 

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A Blogging Declaration of Independence courtesy of IzzyMom

April 29, 2010 · by · 3 Comments
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Declaration of Independence
Image by Cornell University Library via Flickr

In 2006, one of the most kick-ass bloggers I know wrote a post on her blog IzzyMom she called a  “declaration of independence from all ridiculous and counterproductive thoughts and behaviors related to blogging.”

I am long overdue for re-reading this. I’ve been obsessing about comments on my posts (or lack thereof) and trying to please everyone except myself.

It was relevant in 2006 and it’s still relevant today, so for anyone who has been stressing out over their blog, here you go:

A Blogging Declaration of Independence

1. I will only write when I feel like writing. I will not allow myself to feel obligated to write a blog post or do any other blog-related activity if I don’t feel like it.

2. I will no longer stop to consider if a post will be boring to other people or use that as a deciding factor in what I write.

3. I will write from my heart and remember that my blog is about me and whatever I want to write about.

4. I will not compare myself to other bloggers.

5. I will not allow myself to feel bad if I notice that someone doesn’t come to my blog anymore.

6. I will not concern myself with comments or stat counters or other numeric devices that might have the ability to affect my mood or what I write.

7. I will not feel bad if something I care about doesn’t get a lot of feedback or comments.

8. I will always try to remember that blogging is a hobby first and foremost. When it stops being fun, I will step away and re-evaluate.

9. I will no longer feel guilty about not commenting “as much as I should” because my first responsibility is to myself and my kids. Though I love reading and connecting with other bloggers, real life needs to come first.

10. I will make an effort to not get lost in blogging. Just because I can while away an entire evening in the blogsophere with relative ease doesn’t mean I should.

11. I will not worry about losing readers if I change my focus from time to time.

12. I will be true to myself and my feelings. I will be cranky if that’s how I feel. Being a diplomat 24-7 is just exhausting and unnatural.

13. I will try really hard to fight that feeling that I am missing out on something if I’m not reading and commenting on blogs.

14. In committing myself to this declaration, I am setting myself free so that I can enjoy blogging more and stress about it less.

15. I will update and add to this declaration as necessary.

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I hate when Friday feels like Monday

December 4, 2009 · by · 4 Comments
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After sleeping for a decent seven hours, I woke up half an hour late and stumbled into the living room to make sure the boys had everything they needed to leave for school. Ryan needed his violin, music folder, gym shoes, and his snack contribution for a school party today, Nathan needed a hat, gloves and snow boots because we had a quarter inch of snow last night and his teacher said they couldn’t go out for recess if they weren’t dressed properly.

Because I overslept and hadn’t made coffee, Nathan tried to make himself a cup of Taster’s Choice instant (the hazelnut flavor is so good) by microwaving a cup of water. But the cup was too hot and he set it down too fast and sloshed scalding hot water on his hand. He was okay after running his hand under cold water for a minute. By then it was too late to start over so he went without coffee this morning.

After getting Kaitlyn up, we went into the kitchen to get her breakfast and me some coffee, where I discovered there was no milk for her cereal and no more liquid OR powdered coffee creamer for my coffee. I made the Taster’s Choice instant for myself anyway, made a big cup of hot chocolate, then poured some of that into my coffee and gave the rest to Kaitlyn, who was eating DRY Cocoa Krispies with a spoon.

Then Chris told me, as he was leaving for work, that we have no baby wipes (Kaitlyn is mostly using the potty but still has the occasional accident). Of course we don’t.  Why does everything have to run out all at once?

And for some reason, although I’m trying to go to bed earlier and catch a catnap during the day if I can, I feel really tired. I was doing so well on the Effexor for the last two weeks, so I don’t know if maybe I caught a little bug or something, but I feel like I could get back in bed and sleep another four or five hours, easy.

I still have probably 20 reviews to write, giveaways to start, Christmas cards to order, decorations to haul up from the basement, plus regular day to day housework and stuff. Ugh.  What I’d really like is for a maid service to come and clean the house while a professional nanny plays educational and entertaining games with Kaitlyn and a chef prepares a week of meals. While I sleep.  That’s not too much to ask, right?

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Check my sidebar for currently running giveaways!  Also, because I’ll get an additional entry for posting this, visit An Island Life if you want to enter to win a Superstructs Pinklets Fairy Garden Building Set from GlammaToys.

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