Blogworthy Moments Courtesy of My Kids

Just about 20 minutes ago, we were sitting at the kitchen table finishing up dinner, and I was leafing through Woman’s World magazine. I found a recipe for chocolate cake that claimed it was “healthier” because it was made with chocolate soy milk and whole wheat flour, even though it had over 500 calories and 30 grams of fat per PIECE. So I read that out loud to everybody:

Me: “it claims to be healthy because it’s made with soy milk and whole wheat flour.”

And Nathan said: “And a WHOLE LOT OF GOD!”

Me: “WHAT???”

Nathan: “You said it was made with HOLY FLOUR!”

People, I swear that was a direct quote. I can’t make this stuff up.

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Yesterday, Kaitlyn, Nathan and I were watching an episode of “Little Einsteins” in which the kids were walking through this forest dropping music notes, found a gingerbread house, there was a witch, just like Hansel & Gretel, etc. I was only half-listening but I think one of the kids said something like “we’re trapped, we’ll have to eat our way out”. Kaitlyn says…

“I wish you would trap Nathan and me inside McDonald’s.”

Trust me kid, there are days that I’m tempted to do just that (KIDDING!)(Sort of, keep reading)
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On our way to the grocery store today, I was reciting the list of things I needed to buy over and over so I wouldn’t forget them. “Hamburger, hamburger buns, frozen fries, milk. Hamburger, buns, fries, milk.” I probably said it four or five times in the two minutes it takes to drive from our house to the store. As I was unbuckling her from the carseat, I said it one more time. “Hamburger, buns, fries, milk.” And she said…

“That’s right, we need FOUR things.”

This child is three years old, and she had counted the number of things in the list. Even if this is a skill that three year olds should have, it still blows my mind that she can do it. She counted the mirrors on the wall while we were waiting for our sandwiches to be made at Blimpie’s last week, too.
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I’ll spare you the details of the countless number of temper tantrums she’s had over the last few weeks though, it’s not all fun and games. She’s got a cough, which I suspect is just post-nasal drip (which, ewww), and according to our pediatrician, the amount of medicine in over-the-counter children’s cough medicine is not enough to actually do anything, so he doesn’t recommend using it. He suggests giving her lots to drink and calling him if she starts coughing up…stuff.

So okay, she doesn’t feel well, and I understand that not feeling well makes a person feel grouchy. But this child has become the Queen of Whinyville. And if she asks for something and the answer is No, well, you’d better duck and cover because she’s going to FREAK OUT. The other day I was trying to get her to do something simple, I think it was just pick up a toy or something, and she was yelling AAAAHHHHH in between each of my words. It was like this:

“Kaitlyn, pick up your…” “AAAHHHHH”
“Quit your yelling. Pick…”
“AAAHHHH”
“Up”
“AAAHHHHHH”
“Your”
“AAAHHHHHHH”

At that point, I gave myself a time out. I made sure all the deadbolts were locked on the doors, turned on the TV, and went into my room. It’s pointless to try to reason with a tantrum-throwing toddler. She’s just lucky she’s so darn cute.

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If you call me, please be a parent

a big thank you to Lisa who provided the post title in an IM chat last night after I told her this story and she said I HAD to blog it!

For a little backstory, on Thursday afternoon I knocked our only a few months old Plantronic phone off of the sideboard and the handset somehow broke inside, because no matter what my husband and I tried, we could not get the phone to turn on again.  We keep an old “real” phone, the kind where the handset is actually attached to the base with a curly cord, for such emergencies, so Chris plugged that in for me.

Yesterday after an early lunch, I had just given Kaitlyn a bath and dried her off when the phone rang. Because I couldn’t walk around with the phone in my hand, I had to stand there talking on the phone before I had a chance to get Kaitlyn dressed. Fortunately it was a warm 72 degrees in the house. So there I am, on the phone with Ken from Oh! Toys, talking about an upcoming product review I’m doing for him on MomReviews, when Kaitlyn runs up to me and yells,

“Mama! I’m Nakey! Can I stay Nakey for a little while? Please?”

Oh, yeah. I said into the phone “I am so sorry about that, Ken”. And fortunately for me he said “I’ve got two kids. I remember those days”.

I thanked him and we continued on with our conversation. I kept looking down the hallway at Kaitlyn, who was still Nakey, feeling very frustrated that I was tethered to the phone. I could have asked Ken to call me back on my cell phone, but something is wrong with it and everyone who calls me says it sounds like I’ve got cotton stuffed into the microphone. Which I don’t, so it’s kind of weird.  I hear Kaitlyn come running down the hallway, she darts into the bathroom, and then Ken and I are treated to her yelling,

“Mama! I went pee pee on the potty! I’m potty training! All by myself!”

This time I decided what the heck, Ken was finding out first hand just what it’s like to work with a work-at-home-Mom, I’m not even going to pretend to be embarrassed.  So instead I just said to him something along the lines of how much easier it was to potty train kids if they don’t have clothes to deal with.

There’s almost never a time during the day when I can participate in a phone call uninterrupted. So just want to warn you, if you call my house wanting to talk about business, you might hear something in the Too Much Information category coming from my three year old daughter.

When did a trip to the Mall have to become so, you know, difficult?

When Ryan was two and a half and Nathan was a newborn, we used to go to the Mall at least once a week just to get out of the house. I would pack the diaper bag and tuck Nathan in the stroller, and into the Mall we would go. We would walk around, pop into KB toys, sit in the food court and eat, it was a pleasant way to spend time together.

I just got back from what should have been a simple trip to the Mall so Ryan could buy some paperbacks. Instead, I feel like I just finished walking 10 miles carrying a buffalo. Kaitlyn didn’t WANT to sit in the food court and eat, and she didn’t WANT to walk over to the play area, and then she didn’t WANT to walk back, and oh yeah, she asked me to carry her but then while she was in my arms, she tried to squirm out of them by leaning over to the right until my ankle twisted and I FELL DOWN, holding her, and I ended up sort of laying her down with my arms under her to cushion the fall, except she bent back away from me and banged her head on the floor.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR, RIGHT HERE, THAT’S ME.

So then there we are right in the middle of the floor, me sitting down holding her while she cried, and all these people were just walking around us. Like, hello? Be a good citizen and ask us if we are okay, GEEZ. Finally a Mall security guy came over to see if she needed ice for her head or anything. Thank goodness I didn’t like snap my ankle or something. That’s what I get for trying to break in a new pair of wedge heel sandals at the Mall, you know?

What lessons did I learn today? Number one, be flexible when you take toddlers to the mall. You might have to get your food to go and eat it while you walk, because sometimes toddlers just do not want to sit still. Number two, always keep a stroller in the car. Umbrella strollers are inexpensive and are just fine for indoor use, and will hold a toddler who weighs up to 35 pounds. If you have a bigger child, you’ll have to upgrade, but it pays for itself when you don’t have to carry a flailing child through the mall. Number three, don’t wear NEW SHOES to the mall, especially not strappy wedge sandals.

I’m thinking I will stay out of Malls until Kaitlyn is old enough to behave herself while we are there. Like when she’s 35.